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[49] CHAPTER REVIEW: Heart of Darkness (Historical Fiction)

Heart of Darkness by EstateCrudele

Chapter One (Chapter Title)
Historical Fiction(Genre)
Duty & Family (Themes)
First Person Present (very inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 4.3.2021 -----------

I debated whether or not to write this review. Your book is for the ONC and as I don't really know what it takes to win the ONC, I don't want to risk providing harmful advice.

When reading, I prefer Third Person. However, I will say that your book reads smoother in first person.

It was an interesting premise and an interesting place to start. I debated the merit in starting at her home since nothing of great significance happened. On the second reading (after the edits), I found the main reason why this is a sufficient start after all—Sena, her sister. Specifically, what it means for both of them if the MC is selected.

Now, I must continue to call her the MC because her name is mentioned once and that is not enough for anyone to remember a word much less a name.

And it's not just that I don't remember the MC's name, but I don't remember the MC overall. We are in her head but don't know what's in her head. Her focus is elsewhere. It's on her mother, on the royal family, on the event, even on Sena, her sister, but not on herself. I don't know what her driving force is, what she wants, or what she fears losing. Later on we find out that it's her family's financial situation that motivates her to pursue this, which helps cause tension because now we know what's on the line.

I'd say there is sufficient intrigue to interest the reader, but I must also say that Sena's bold personality overshadows the MC's greatly. Sena tells us what she wants, what she fears, what she holds dear. The MC simply listens...a lot.

As a casual reader, I would try the first chapter and make it to the end. If I had free time, I may go on to chapter 2 to see what it's all about. But there's no real hook to drag us along immediately.

What do I mean?

Well, imagine if she received a jeweled egg with that dress and Sena's broken it before handing that box over. And the MC's trying to make a good impression at this event. Imagine the panic and chaos that would erupt in that room? She can't POSSIBLY turn the royal family down now. She can't repair it. She can't replace it in such a short amount of time. And her family, and her own life hangs in the balance.

I'd break my neck to get to chapter 2 to find out how she gets out of it. That's a hook.

I don't know if there's a strong hook here. Yes, we do want to know what happens, but there's no carrot being dangled before us. A mean prince she's got to tame; a mean mother-in-law she's got to look out for; her family being thrown out on the streets in three days if she doesn't find money. TENSION.

(It's an easy solution in chapter 2, BTW, it could be that ALL of the eggs are broken beforehand, and it's a test to see what they'll do. The MC is the only one upfront in admitting that she's broken the egg, and therefore, she's viewed favorably for her honesty. This could even lead to tension with the other competitors who are jealous of her win so early. Etc. etc. Sena is absolved, the MC is on her way, and the race is REALLY on).

However you want to start your book, it's always the right choice. And I've said, the chapter does have tension, though it's not maximized. I think the new read is smooth and it'll be enough for true historical fiction fans. Anyone else outside the genre may need it to get a bit messier first.

Prologue?
None.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. The POV (verb tenses) are inconsistent. The plot could be established a bit clearer, too. The plot is there...below the surface but some readers might need it further 'in your face' to be tempted with flipping the page.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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