FREE Book Reviews

[36] CHAPTER REVIEW: The Fall of the Destined String (Contemporary)

The Fall of the Destined String by Dina_FK Dina_FK

1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Duty & Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.22.2021 -----------

This is a hard piece for me to tackle because I can see the love and care you've put into it. The positives about your writing are plentiful. You employ your five senses while you write, touching based on sights and sounds and things to stimulate the reader's imagination. You're tone heavy (meaning you put a lot of emphasis on setting the mood of the scene). Even though your work doesn't read like that of a native English speaker (sorry, but that was the impression I got), you still appear to value the power of each word you choose.

Sadly, you are not going to like my review and I'm one hundred percent sure you will not implement it. I've come to this conclusion because it appears you are far too in love with what you've written and are not yet ready to 'kill your darlings.'

The first chapter attempts to put a lot of emotional demands on the reader. We are given little context to a fight that's happened 'off screen' that is causing turmoil for the MC but the fight's impact isn't felt by us. It's like hearing the punchline of a joke. Yes, the characters react but without that setup, then buildup, then punchline, there is little impact for anyone walking into the tail end of the joke. Therefore, we remain in a 'gray' area of knowing we should commiserate with the MC but don't have the information needed to bring that about.

That is not the biggest issue with the chapter thus far.

The second biggest issue is the POV. It is using Third Person Omniscient yet giving us their 'emotion' which is usually reserved for Third Person LIMITED (where we follow the emotion and thoughts of ONE character at a time). Due to this, the head-hopping is jarring to say the least.

It's nearly impossible to know what emotion we should zero in on or who is even talking/thinking/performing an action.

Now that is that, but this is this.

A first chapter has purpose. They are as follows:

1. Clarify the genre right away
2. Clarify the MC right away
3. Clarify the time period right away
4. Introduce a CONFLICT or a problem or a life-changing event
5. Provide a hint as to what the book will entail (murder, mystery, mayhem)
6. Provide tension and a yearning to 'go on' (a hook) to the next chapter

I can say with absolute certainty that I walked away from the first chapter with none of these needs met. I didn't even realize this was a period piece (I think it's a period piece). I am not even sure if the genre of 'contemporary' which I've selected is even accurate. I don't even know anything about the MC beyond the fact that he may or may not want to kill himself (which is glossed over, by the way).

At the end of the day, this first chapter simply doesn't do enough heavy lifting. It demands emotion from us, which it hasn't earned.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are some dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragment. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

If you found this review useful, please give this book a shout-out. It brings more eyes to it and goes a long way. Please consider adding your book to the "Speed-Dating Books" version of this book where others can get a sample of your work quickly. That service is also FREE.