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[26] CHAPTER REVIEW: Wonderfully So (Contemporary Romance)

Wonderfully So by mamoniqueee mamoniqueee

CHAPTER 1.A: Out of the Blue, Uninvited (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Mentors (Themes)
First Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.04.2021 -----------

The title of your book was very intriguing so I went in with a lot of anticipation. Your characters are your strong-point. Your ability to paint their distinct personality was a joy to read. I really liked Nate. Even though, in theory, he should have been an annoying encounter, he was actually very funny. For him alone, I'd read forever. And the professor was pretty ruthless. Something tells me that he's based on someone real. 😉

But let's get to the critique. This chapter has a big pacing issue. It's not a pacing issue where something is slow or boring. No. It's a pacing issue as in...time doesn't add up.

We start off with saying she's come BACK (I assumed, to this town). Although it states clearly she was coming back to the academy, I was still under the impression that she was at home, getting ready to go off to the academy. But in fact, she WAS at the academy. But then we hear about the office where she was. But we don't know WHERE the office is. Then we hear about the pictures that line the room. As she's doing all this, I was shocked to find that someone ELSE was there. When she does these things, all things around her STOPS and so it's like she's frozen in time. It was so jarring to see that this was not only the professor's office, but that the man himself was RIGHT there with her the entire time she was telling us about everything else around her. There was no indication of that AT ALL from the start.

This is your starting paragraph:

After two years of running from the utopian force field that was my life, I finally came back to wrestle its iron fists with a wiser outlook. I returned to embark on my last year of college in none other than Wixton Academy.

From this opening, I thought:

1 - this is a futuristic world that was surrounded by a force filed.

2 - it was a utopian society

3 - she put up resistance and ran away, now she was forced back to confront the life she left behind

4 - she's back in town to go to the academy

So imagine my shock when she was already at the office.

Here is your second paragraph:

Surveying the office, pieces of clutter and crumpled papers full of red marks were scattered all over the floor. He still had the same unkempt office table as I'd last seen it. However, what remained constant and promising to me was the picture of his six-year-old little girl receiving an award on stage. She had medals tied on her neck with a big, bright smile drawn on her face; camera flashes shimmered in her eyes.

The "Surveying" sentence is incomplete. But the biggest concern is: which office, whose office, where is this office? I thought, okay, she's at the school signing up, then no. It talks about 'he' but we've not been introduced to ANY character. Who is 'he' and what is 'he' to her? We also don't know where she's standing in comparison to the prof. Is she standing? Is she sitting? We're unsure.

I'd suggest telling us WHERE she is, WHO is there (by name) then paint your scene from there.

In comparison, the second part of your story is set up well. Here is the transition.

Having arrived home, I went inside my room and threw myself in bed. Grunting, I grabbed my journal from the dresser.

This tells us WHERE from the very start and it's much easier to follow. But it still has a pacing issue at the end where he steals her diary and starts to read it. He's able to read a LONG passage as if she's frozen in time yet again. What is she doing while he's reading? Just sitting there letting him read? Is she fighting him? How is he able to read so much without any interruptions? None at all?

I enjoy the back and forth with her and Nate and even the part with the mean professor was pretty vivid once I understood where we were and so on. So the characters themselves are quite fun, but without knowing where everyone is, it was hard to get into it right away.

Prologue?
None present.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. Many sentences were fragments.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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