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[42] CHAPTER REVIEW: Eastelfia: A Myriad of Pretense (Fantasy)

Eastelfia: A Myriad of Pretense by Alea_Eve_Ramos_15

01 (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Duty & Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 2.03.2021 -----------

I know you are very young and are eagerly awaiting this review. I'll try to make it as thorough as I can.

Often, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. We look up at each tree in detail, not realizing the big picture (the forest) and therefore, we need others to be our eyes.

I'm giving you my eyeballs and an analogy along with it.

Do you often do laundry? By hand or by machine? Let's start by hand. If you take the clothes and dip them in the water, pull them back out again, dip them yet again, do you think that's enough to get them clean? Sure, some of the muck comes off, but surely not all of it. So what do we do?

Well, in ancient times, they'd beat it against a rock. Then they had washing boards where you'd rub the clothes against rough ridges to get the gunk out. And now finally we have washing machines. This 'rock' 'ridge' and the swivel inside the machine all have one thing in common, and that's actually why that swivel is called an 'agitator.' An agitator is the push back that gets results. Without that agitation, you're just dipping clothes in water and nothing more. No progress, no push, no stimulation.

You have no agitator. No visible one.

All of your agitation is mentioned 'in passing.' None of it is put on the screen.

Let's start with your MC, the elfin princess. She has a lot of great features. Her people have great traditions that I found very interesting but ultimately it was just a dip in a bucket of water and nothing more.

What's wrong with her? Nothing.

Absolutely, positively NOTHING. We relate to characters that have some of our own qualities in them, but no human being is without flaw.

She's beautiful, and fair, and just, and righteous and...without agitation. With her already being so perfect, she has nothing to learn or achieve in this entire story. Do you know that 'eye of a tiger' montage where Rocky is running up steps? That's him overcoming a flaw.

This MC (both apparently) are already perfect and therefore, there's nothing to overcome. No agitator.

Then fine. They were thrown together unexpectedly and ended up alone. We get to know them through their discoveries of each other. That's a good idea; it's a good place to start. But again, no agitator. They stare starry eyed at one another, instantly fall in love (which isn't necessarily bad) and nothing further. Even when she hunts and impresses him with her skill, we don't see it. That agitator (a factor into why he loves her) is off screen and we hear about it after the fact.

At the very end of the 'spin cycle' we get some agitation in the form of bad guys. But there are no consequences to this. Quite literally, she wakes up safe and sound.

With all this in mind, I will say that this world you have painted (and you've put a LOT of heart into it) is a perfect painting. There were some splashes of conflict toward the end, but the overall tone was...nothing's wrong, everything—everyone is perfect.

But without active conflict in the center of this chapter, the conflict at the very end just doesn't pack the punch it really should.

Ask yourself these questions and SHOW them to us

1. What is the problem?
2. What is the solution?
3. What is standing in the way of this solution?
4. What personal growth or flaws will the MC's have to overcome?

You could even answer like this:

1. The problem is that she wants this man
2. She decides to seek him out
3. Her father sends guards to bring her back
4. She's quick-tempered and impatient

And just like that, you have a plot. You have an agitator. But that's not what we see as of now. I think your premise is very unique and a unique idea is so difficult for a lot of authors now-a-days. This means you're already halfway there. Agitate this chapter. Give us a problem she needs to solve.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are some dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragment. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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