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[50] CHAPTER REVIEW: The Company of Rebels and Royalty (Teen Fiction)

The Company of Rebels and Royalty by JMDiedrich

Act One: Opening Scene (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Party Crashers (Themes)
Third Person Limited (past) (very consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 4.06.2021 -----------

There's a danger that comes with knowing that your characters are great. You start to love them to the point where you don't realize certain truths about them. For example, you know them and you like them, but the reader doesn't know them and isn't always willing to keep an open mind or 'wait' on them to bring insight to confusing themes. I will be using the sandwich method, but not in an effort to patronize you, but rather, because there is a good story in here.

I have to admit, the intro surprised me. At first, I was taken aback but when I realized what was going on, I was instantly in love with the MC and her cute little situation. That's hard, and you did it right away. But alas, you lost me nearly immediately.

As you can see, I said the 'theme' was Party Crashers. Not in the sense that you know it, but in the sense that there are random things, random people, random thoughts, random focal points coming into this otherwise great party. I go to a nice shrimp dinner and an elephant stomps through, followed by a clown on stiles. And as I raise an eyebrow at you, you keep talking like there's nothing going on. Then a secret agent rappels down the wall, lands, and takes a shot at you. You disarm him with little to no effort, your eyes still on me as you block his 'judo chops' and again, you make NO mention of WTH is going on.

So while you're pushing this party forward, I can't focus on you, but instead, I'm focusing on all the other crazy things taking place, feeling a bit untrusting of your seemingly 'innocent' get-together. In fact, at this moment that first 'wow' intro feels like one of many unexplained tricks that I just have to 'hang' on to find out about.

Of course, you know that none of these 'out of nowhere' things you've introduced will be impactful now, but I don't know that. In fact, it's like just before dinner, someone wheels out a cake made of cocaine and I'm standing there in shock and you proceed to make a baby bottle for your little 'cousin' that seems to have a striking resemblance to you. So much is going on, and it's all 'inside jokes' amongst the characters, thus leaving the reader with little to work with.

In short, you have failed to employ Chekhov's gun. Chekhov's gun states that if a gun is mentioned in chapter 1, it must, MUST go off in chapter 5 at the latest. You have introduced MULTIPLE guns. And some aren't going off for a LONG while.

That's not to say that the chapter is hopeless. No. In fact, the chapter just has too many working parts and unfortunately, the story is sacrificed for the sake of some laughs. And don't get me started on the 'As you know, Captain,' aspect of it or the heavy exposition vs. bare dialogue ratio.

So what's the fix? The fix is easy. Stick to the script (so to speak).

Here is how it should go.

1. The opening is fine and her problem is fine—she's nervous and she doesn't want to blow this chance.

2. In order to make it more interactive, you could have her practicing with her friend. That would make 'her hallucinating' the main subject. Because that IS the subject at hand.

3. She's afraid she'll hallucinate during the audition (that's the problem, and that's the hook that should be there).

If you decide to keep it with her by herself, then I need to know, WHO knows about this thing? WHO is she keeping it from? And does her best friend know? If the friend found out, would she care? Would things be different? If Gen was so forgetful, is she forgetting things about her friend's boyfriends? Has she lost friends because of it?

ALTERNATIVE

1. The opening is fine and her problem is fine—she's nervous and doesn't want to blow this chance.

2. She has an hallucination IMMEDIATELY after stopping and she tells us what they are and how they affect her life, IN EXPOSITION, not by repeating things to herself like some old, toothless prospector.

3. Is she afraid of going to school? Are the hallucinations coming more frequently? Are they interfering with her daily life? Is she afraid to even leave her room? Does she debate just staying home in case it happens? Is that why her mother has to keep calling her? She's starting to fear what'll happen when she's out of the safety of her room?

4. Is her mind on this problem as she talks to Cal? Is she trying hard to pay attention but deep down she's panicking?

5. The end of the chapter should be with her praying she can perform without hallucinating. (That is the hook, that's the focus, and that's the story).

The reader (and the character perhaps) should be wondering:

- What are these hallucinations?
- What can she do to live her life with them or stop them entirely?
- And who has she (can she) confide in about it? Why and why not?

Going on about the neighbors and the weather is fine, if it fits the situation. It didn't fit this one. Was the rain coming? Would the visions come stronger because of it? From the middle to the end, it felt like things were mentioned at random, not followed up on, forgotten, and new random things came again and on and on it went. I mean, what is she doing about these hallucinations? Does she time how long they last? Does she have a journal about where she ends up so she can try to figure out how to stop them?

Because she wants to stop them, correct? Isn't stopping them the actual plot? If not, then what is?

Prologue?
None present.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. The punctuation is fine but the plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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