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[32] CHAPTER REVIEW: Love, Caroline (Contemporary Romance)

Love, Caroline by delwritesbooks delwritesbooks

Chapter 1 - Hawaii, Hawaii (Chapter Title)
Contemporary (Genre)
Live Free or Marry (Themes)
First Person Present (very inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.12.2021 -----------

You don't know me and I don't know you and you didn't even ask for this critique/review. Feel free to tell me where I can go. I'm used to it.

But to see such good writing get drunk off its own power and land face first in a tree? No. Not on my watch.

First thing's first. We all have to play to our strengths. I've been told that I have believable characters and that's my strong-point. I'm not sure I agree but I'll take it. And while your character voices are very distinct, I must say that I don't know if that's your strong-point.

Your intro was strong and you introduced us to your character in a very seamless way. I really fell in love with her from the FIRST sentence (this is amazing). But it's like the story caught lightning in a bottle, and slowly allowed it to drain out.

I get that world-building can make or break a romance. People want the immersion that comes with the story, but I hope you'll allow me to argue that there's a matter of 'where' to focus and where to brush off. If you enter a house and the living room furniture consists of two cardboard boxes and a bean bag, but the bathroom has a golden toilet, then I think we can all agree that the focus is off.

I'm sad to report, that is the case here.

Of course, these are opinions and it's important that you gather several before you make any changes to your story.

The story opens well. We learn a lot about the character very early. I would have rather found out if she was a woman sooner, just so I can also piece together the difficulty she must have faced choosing her career compared to if she were a man. Sadly, there is a difference.

But then it came time to put this little well-crafted MC in motion and watch her go...not far.

We focused on aspects that don't seem relevant now. While Peter, the aspect that IS very relevant, gets barely any airtime.

Asher, God bless him, I did not care about him one bit. He wasn't a love interest or a consideration or a rival and therefore I friendzoned him in my mind and like all male friends, he became 'there' but not 'there.' Meaning... I did not care about him one way or another. Her speech to her passengers? Unless that's where she encounters this AWFUL man in a wheelchair causing a ruckus, it's also unnecessary.

I read the premise of the contest and it says they have had chance encounters. How about chronicling his injury with her flashbacks?

"It was hard being the only girl in the class sometime. One boy, an obnoxious jerk, stood out, sauntering around like he owned the place. But I kept on. By the time I graduated, my voice was the one drowning out the others. The boy didn't come back. I guess not everyone can cut it." but she's supposed to kinda want to but not want to talk to this guy, right? (per the contest). "I regretted not giving my two cents in that class when that blowhard was there. By the time I worked up the courage to be my own person and take what I wanted, he was gone and I was graduated." etc. etc. or something to that effect. Then have her see him on the plane. Maybe recognize him as she's giving her speech to the passengers. Hell, have her pass by and he tug at her and said, "flight attendant" and she corrects him that she's the pilot (maybe later on he admits he knew, but was teasing her???). He wants something (maybe a blanket) and she tells him to, "get up and get it yourself." he doesn't, and she recognizes this arrogant jerk from (10 or whatever) years ago. Hah, not so tough now that he's not a pilot, huh? Now she' made it and he's a nobody. All the more reason why when she sees him at the end, it's like, "oh sh..."

That way since they are both going to Hawaii, them meeting on the plane isn't unheard of. As for Peter, that's where this theme needs to kick off. Please consider this:

1. Her love of flying (your current opener is FIRE. Keep it)
2. Her studies
3. Her feelings and intimidation (nothing big, just keep with the narrative pattern you started with now). Maybe she recalls this one loud student who disappeared before she could show him a thing or two
4. She graduated, and it was all perfect until she found the one thing holding her back...love
5. Have Peter sitting on their bed, begging her, BEGGING her to just stay with him for a bit longer and make this relationship work. She's always gone, and for weeks at a time. (As I mentioned before)
6. Peter dares her not to leave, she must choose him or her career. He wants to marry her. Start a family. She can work somewhere else. He wants someone 'present'. She chooses her career and leaves. It goes to hell. As she walks out, he throws her things out the 7th floor window of their apartment (she wanted heights, that's why she chose that high floor, but 7 was as far as Peter would go. sounds appropriate, cuz 7 years was all he'd hang on for) etc. etc. Much like she picked up her underwear from the ground and flew to Spain that same night, so too did she pick up her broken heart and move on
7. Fast forward, her next brush with 'marriage,' not her own but her cousin's. Spend less time with Asher, and more so with her giving her announcement or not, but passing by him on the way to the front to give her announcement, or not, but maybe see this guy here and see he hasn't changed. He's still a jerk. My how fate and karma were petty, and so was she.
8. Arrive, and it's him, and he's in a wheelchair. Boom. done.

This keeps with the theme you've already set, gives the foreshadowing for her and him having met before, etc.

I understand that you probably have this thing written but I will give you my READER review right now. As of now, my 'editing advice' is at an end.

Fatigue set in for me by the time she described her apartment. I knew more about that and the view than I knew about how Peter looked, what made Peter leave, and/or what she desired in life. If you keep the story AS IS, I'd chop out the whole apartment part and just go straight to Hawaii. But without any foreshadowing, her saying something like, "This is a guy I used to know," we as the readers have to take this at face value and I'll be honest, I didn't believe it. Why? Because there was 10 minutes of a chapter there, and we never heard ANYTHING about this man. In fact, if she taunts him on the plane, that'd make the tension even more palpable. Heehee. Depending on how you decide to end the book, she flies on, or she stays grounded for him, I'm not sure. But the characters thus far are good, but the events from A to B to C... I'm sorry, the writing is good but the execution needs more polish IMO.

Prologue?
I don't read prologues as a rule.

Does this need an edit?
I'd say yes because the dialogue tags aren't done correctly and the tenses changed a lot, IMO. Apparently, some people don't mind the verb changes so maybe that's a personal thing on your part, but I'm from the 'dance with the one who brung you' style where you stick to one tense.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...

A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

I did LOVE that the male MC was in a wheelchair. For that alone, I'd take a peek. But as a casual reader, I wouldn't have gotten past the apartment scene.

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