All In | ✓

Thirty-two

Warning: talk of abuse, suicide, and shooting

"Hey, Jack." Eli knocks on my bedroom door and watches as I sit up and rub my eyes. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, what's up?" I swing my legs over the edge of the air mattress and stand, stretching my arms towards my legs before straightening up.

"It's about before." He leans against my door frame and starts twisting his fingers around each other. "When I was in the hospital."

"Why don't we go sit down?" I walk towards him and usher him into the other room, flipping on the back light to avoid waking anyone up.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?" He doesn't sit down even when I do. "If I did you can go back to sleep, this can wait-"

"Elijah." I reach out and take his hands in mine. "I was already awake. Sit down before you start pacing."

"It helps me think," he says, sitting down a seat away from me anyways. I frown at the gap between us but don't say anything or move closer to him. "The first thing I wanted to say is that I'm sorry for doing it. It was selfish and you wasted your time on me."

"It wasn't-"

"Please let me finish before you say anything." He holds a hand up, looking down at the ground. "I don't know what was going through your mind or how you reacted when you first heard the news, but hearing your voice tell my mom that she didn't show up to the hospital when I had- when I was unconscious hit something. I could hear the tears in your voice, even if you weren't actually crying."

I reach out and grab one of his hands, squeezing it gently. He exhales and nods, squeezing it back.

"I could hear the pain in your voice when you said those last two words." He draws his hand out of mind and folds his hands together. "I tried to take my own life because I came out to my mom that night over dinner, and- well, you saw how she reacted. Called it a delusion. When it was that night, it was worse. She yelled at me for hours and then stormed upstairs, spitting out how she wanted to choke me. I thought she would accept me, Jack. She had never hinted that she was homophobic or transphobic so I thought I was safe, but she wanted to kill me.

"She and my dad own guns and I can't tell you how terrified I was that I'd wake up with a gun pointed at me. I thought that if I was going to die, I'd do it on my terms. In that moment, I was telling myself that no one loved me, no one would care if I died right then and there, so I took the pills and the razor- I woke up in the hospital. I was so upset that I had failed to do this one simple thing. I've been thinking over and over and over again since I woke up in the hospital how I could finish what I started."

Eli's name falls from my lips with a strangled breath. He glances up at me, then jumps to his feet and starts pacing back and forth in front of the couch.

"And then you guys confronted my mom and I realized that you really did care- all of you care. Those thoughts have been coming in less and I've been able to really think these last few days and I've come to the conclusion that I- I don't want to die, I want to start living. I wanted to talk to you about this because you deserve to know. I heard from a nurse that you barely left my side, so I figured I should tell you about it."

"Can I hug you now?" I stand up and open my arms, wiggling my fingers. He stops pacing and walks up to me, letting his head drop onto my shoulder. "I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you told me all of this and I'm proud that you're going to fight the battle in your head."

"I really don't deserve you," he mumbles, wrapping his arms around my waist. I rest my head on top of his and smile softly.

"Do you think I can sleep with you tonight?" He looks up at me, a soft expression on his face. I nod and take a step back. "Thanks."