To Be So Lonely || l.s. ✓

Chapter 36

"Harry," Louis started as the two lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Mm?"

"Why don't you like swimming anymore?"

"Louis-" Harry sighed, "I just don't, okay?"

"But why. There must be a reason."

"There is a reason." Harry muttered, "just can't share it."

"Why not? You can trust me. I'm not gonna make fun of you or anything."

"I know. But, I just can't."

"Are you ever gonna tell me?"

"Don't think so. Don't think I'll ever tell anyone..." He spoke honestly, rushing out a "can we please sleep?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course."

"I'm sorry." Harry murmured out as Louis rolled over, hugging him from behind and rubbing his thumb over the back of Harry's hand.

"Don't be. You don't have to tell me anything. I'm sorry for asking too many questions."

Harry sighed, nuzzling into the pillow as Louis nuzzled into Harry's back. If anyone had seen them they would definitely have assumed they were a loved up couple, perhaps on a honeymoon. But no, they were just two boys with crushes on eachother that neither one knew about.

//

Harry awoke with panic set deep within him. It wasn't as if anything had happened really, it was just a looming feeling he needed to release. So he slid out of Louis's grip and out of the bed to release the feeling in the only way he knew how.

He made sure to lock the bathroom door as he rummaged through his washbag blindly, unspilled tears blurring his vision.

He finally found it, a sting in his finger alerting him of that as he fumbled to grasp the cold metal, slashing it across his wrist immediately.

A few minutes later and the anxiety was still not gone. Carelessly he tossed the blade onto the surface, collapsing down against the wall as the tears finally spilled, a rugged gasp erupting as he tried to breathe normally. He managed to bandage his wrist, despite hardly being able to breathe or concentrate. He couldn't have anyone seeing the slashes on his wrist.

As time passed by and his breathing was yet to return to normal, the bathroom seemed to grow smaller and smaller, air running out. Without a second thought Harry made his way out of the bathroom and into the back garden, hiding around the corner as he rocked back and forth.

"Harry?" Zayn called out as his footsteps grew closer.

"No no no no no." The word tumbled out of his mouth repeatedly as he pressed his fingers into his shoulder blades, hugging himself tightly.

"Harry? Shit, Harry-" Zayn immediately rushed to his side, placing a hand on his back as Harry curled in further on himself. "Hey, hey. You're okay. Yeah? You're okay."

"Z-Zay-" Harry gasped, "can't, can't breathe-"

"Okay, okay. Can you follow my breathing? Try and follow my breathing. We'll go in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8." Zayn coaxed Harry's arms from around him, taking Harry's hand. "You can squeeze my hand if you want. I know it can help."

"D-don't wanna h-hurt-"

"It's okay, I don't mind." Zayn pulled Harry forward so his head was resting on his shoulder.

Harry took the opportunity, squeezing Zayn's hand as he sobbed. "Okay, okay. It's okay, you're okay."

"I'm okay, I'm okay-" Harry repeated through uneven breaths, "I'm okay."

"That's it, you're alright."

Finally Harry's breathing returned to normal and he just cried softly into Zayn's shoulder.

"You okay now darling?" He pulled away, looking Harry in the eyes.

Harry's eyes were red and glazed over, his lips parted and his hair tousled. Harry pressed his lips together, nodding.

"Are you sure? You're not just saying that?"

Harry shrugged, "'m sorry."

"Hey, you don't need to be sorry. You know I get them as well. Is this regular for you?"

"Quite." Harry gave a small nod, "just not usually so bad. That one lasted longer and more intense." He murmured in shame.

"I know you're embarrassed but honestly don't be. It's alright. If you ever need me, don't hesitate to call or come find me if you can."

"Thanks." Harry nodded again. "Thank you." He breathed out, running his hand through his hair.

"Come on, let's get you some breakfast and some water."

He scrunched his nose, standing up and following after Zayn. He sat down at the breakfast bar, staring ahead as Zayn got him a glass of water.

"Cereal?"

"Mhm. Little bit. Please." Zayn poured him some cereal, sliding the bowl over to Harry. "Thanks."

//

"Morning." Louis walked into the room in just his boxers.

"Jesus Lou, put some clothes on." Liam shook his head.

"Go away."

"I was here first."

"And you're scared of basic human anatomy." Louis retorted with a grin, "are you okay Harry?"

"Yeah." Harry turned to Louis with a plastered-on smile.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

Louis raised an eyebrow but chose to ignore it for now. "Who wants to join me outside for a cocktail?"

"Louis. It's 10am."

"It's 5pm somewhere." He shrugged.

"Have a mocktail." Harry said, "then you can have a cocktail when it hits noon and you'll be like 'wow I'm so cool I can get drunk now!'"

Louis raised his eyebrows, laughing at the voice Harry put on.

"Lou mate, you sound weird." Niall walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

"That wasn't me! That was Harry!"

"Okay..." He said slowly, looking between the two. "Weirdosss!" He sang.

"Right, someone make me a mocktail then!" Louis sighed, resting his head on the table.

Niall looked at him as if he were mad, taking out a beer. "I'll leave you to your weird ways." He mumbled, walking out onto the patio.

Liam made them each a mocktail and they followers after Niall, each taking a sunbed.

"You know in them films where it's a bunch of middle aged women and they have their big floppy hats on and are sipping champagne, I feel like one of them." Louis stated.

"You're so weird." Liam muttered with an amused smile. "We should try and write some songs today really." He added with a sigh.

"They send us on these holidays to get shit done and we do fuck all." Niall cackled.

"Simon can suck my dick for all I care." Louis waved a hand, "ew, no! I wouldn't want him anywhere near my dick!"

Harry snorted, "that would be disgusting."

"Incredibly. Ew." Louis repeated, wrinkling his nose. "I genuinely feel sick now."

Zayn nodded in agreement, "rule number 1, keep Simon away from our dicks."

"And on that note I need to scrub myself clean of the thought of that." Louis stood up, placing his almost finished mocktail on the floor. "I'm off for a shower."

AAAA I ORDERED THE NECKLACES FROM THE GOLDEN MV AND THEY ARRIVED TODAY I LOVE THEM