To Be So Lonely || l.s. ✓

Chapter 15

Light snores filled the room as Louis lay asleep, Harry sat by his feet. He felt warmed by the gesture, knowing full well Louis could've returned to his warm, cosy bed upstairs, but instead staying down with Harry.

He didn't quite know what to do with himself, so moved to the floor where he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. And fuck, he was so tired but he couldn't sleep, and soon enough he was silently crying out of frustration and sadness and anxiety, and all his emotions came pouring out.

He rolled over to bury his face in his arms, trying his best to conceal his sobs. But obviously he did a shit job as next thing he knew, Louis was kneeling down next to him, touching his shoulder gently.

"Harry," he murmured softly, "what's wrong?"

Harry ignored him, embarrassment taking over as he cried harder, trying to hide it at the same time.

He took a few breaths, pressing his lips together and squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop it.

"Harry?" Louis repeated. He was all too familiar with how Harry used to be when he cried, but this Harry was different.

Past Harry would seek Louis for cuddles, needing to be held and reassured until whatever it was passed or subsided, this Harry pretended he was fine on his own, when Louis knew he wasn't.

"I-I'm sorry-" Harry hiccuped, "ignore me, please..."

"I'm not going to ignore you, what's wrong?"

"Please Louis-"

"No."

"Louis, please! It's so fuckin' embarrassing!" He let out a strangled sob.

"Oh for god's sake." Louis huffed, pulling Harry into a hug, making sure to hold him tight as he struggled to get out of Louis's grip.

"Why won't you fucking leave!?" He cried out, "you left before so why can't you do it when I'm begging you!?"

"Shh, shh." Louis began rocking them side to side, Harry struggling to escape for a while before settling down with small gasps.

"Please Louis...please..."

"I'm not gonna leave you like this." Louis stated firmly, "stop being stubborn."

"But you're embarrassing me more-"

"Calm down, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay."

Harry squeezed his eyes shut tightly, pressing his head against Louis's shoulder.

It took a while for him to calm down fully, but he had eventually managed it, and somehow fallen asleep on Louis's shoulder.

Louis stroked his hair gently, frowning down at him. "Oh Harry, what are we gonna do with you?"

//

Niall ran down the stairs, coming to a sudden stop and putting his arms out to stop the others entering the living room. "Look." He hissed, "they're cuddling again."

Louis was resting back against the sofa, arms aeound Harry who had his head on Louis's shoulder.

"Oh my god, they're so sweet." He sighed, "right, back upstairs."

"What?" Zayn huffed, "I'm hungry."

"So am I." He stated, "and you know how much I love food. But I don't want to disturb them. They're cute. And sleepy. And they probably wouldn't be down here for no reason so let's leave them for a bit."

"Fine. But I'm eating your crisps."

"Dick." Niall muttered.

//

When Harry awoke he was incredibly confused, he pulled back, immediately missing the warmth but he knew he couldn't stay in Louis's arms. He sighed as he remembered the embarrassment he had felt last night, and how much he had needed someone to hold him.

And he could just feel the anxiety bubbling up inside of him as he thought about his Louis had seen him in that state, it was almost as if his blade was calling out for him.

He moved further away, standing up and brushing himself off as he stretched out, groaning due to the position he had slept in.

He quietly made his way into his bathroom, taking out one of his blades as he rolled up his sleeve.

He whimpered softly as he felt the familiar stinging sensation up his arm. He heard the shower turn on, signalling Louis was probably awake, and he immediately felt another pool of dread within him at the thought of Louis talking to him about last night.

He eventually pulled himself together and walked back downstairs with a sigh.

"Hi." Louis looked up with a small smile, "made you breakfast." He handed him the plate of beans on toast.

"Thank you." Harry murmured.

"Fookin' tosser!" Niall yelled, running after Zayn who had his whole bag of crisps, "they're mine!"

"Mine now!" He called back as he locked himself in the downstairs bathroom.

"You're a right twat." Niall grumbled, Harry watched with an amused smile.

"How are you feeling?" Louis slid onto the seat next to him.

"I'd rather not talk about that." Harry told him honestly.

"Talking will help."

Harry scoffed as he took a bite of his food. "It doesn't. Trust me."

"Have you tried?"

"Yeah."

"Who with?"

"Is that any of your business?"

"No, I just-"

"My therapist. Doesn't do shit though."

"You have a therapist?"

"Doesn't everyone these days?" Harry shrugged, although he knew that that wasn't exactly true.

"Um I don't know. Maybe?" Louis frowned. "It's alright if you don't wanna talk to me but if you ever do then don't hesitate."

"I'll save my problems for myself and my therapist."

"What's this?" Liam slid on the other side of Harry.

"Don't worry." Harry shook his head, "Louis is just tryna be my therapist."

"I'll be your therapist." Liam offered.

"Look, it's all good. I've already got my own therapist, I don't need two. Or three. One is enough."

Harry only managed to eat a small amount before he pushed his plate away, "I'll put that plate away in a minute. Gonna go cry a minute."

"What?" Louis looked up with a panicked expression.

"I'm joking." Harry rolled his eyes, "I'm alright Louis, you don't need to act like I'm fragile. It's not like him depressed or anything," well that was a massive fucking lie from the boy diagnosed with depression, "it's just little things going on that are getting to me."

Louis sighed as Harry walked off.

"What was that all about?" Liam asked.

"Don't worry Li." He let out another small sigh.

"Is Harry alright?"

"I don't know. I don't think he is, but he won't say anything."

Liam remained silent.

"I don't want this week to end." Louis told him, "I like us all being here together again."

"We can do it again soon. It'll be nice to do this regularly."

"It would." He nodded in agreement.