To Be So Lonely || l.s. ✓

Chapter 14

Harry watched as Louis cleared away the alcohol from the game. It was just the two of them down there now, the others having gone up to bed.

"You alright?" Louis asked him as he turned around, noticing Harry was slightly zoned out.

Harry hummed before snapping out of it and giving him a small nod. "I'm going to head up to bed too if that's alright?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll see you in the morning. Night." Louis smiled.

"Night." Harry nodded back. Once in his room he took out his phone, dialling his mum's number. He sat there for a few seconds before eventually sighing and calling her. "Hi mum." He murmured as she answered the phone.

"Harry! I've missed you!" He could almost hear her smile over the phone and he immediately relaxed.

"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. I don't mean to push you away but I can't help it."

"Sweetie, it's okay. I know you're going through stuff at the moment, but just know I'll always be here for you. And don't be embarrassed to talk about your feelings."

"I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety." He mumbled, "a few years ago. I know I should've told you but I was scared. I didn't want you to treat me differently or anything."

"Oh darling." She sighed, immediately feeling sorry for her poor boy. "How are you at the minute?"

"Okay. My anxiety isn't so good at the minute. It's shitty. And being back with the boys isn't really helping."

"Language Harry." She scolded lightly, "I'm sorry honey, please don't hesitate to call me if you need it."

"Thank you mum. I've missed you. Um, I should go really, but I'll talk to you soon."

"I love you darling."

"I love you too." He let a small smile fall onto his face, a weight felt like it had been lifted off his shoulders. He'd thought his mum might hate him, might be mad at him for pushing her away, but to know she wasn't helped a lot.

He put his phone on charge before getting changed and climbing into bed. He was going to try and sleep at least.

However, 4 hours later he was still lying there awake and realised that tonight wasn't going to be one of his nights where he actually slept.

He slowly got up, grabbing his hoodie from his chair before walking back downstairs, settling on the sofa. He didn't feel like watching TV, or doing anything really, so he just sat there and stared out the window as the fat raindrops pattered against the glass.

He broke out of his thoughts as he heard a shout of "oh fuck! Fucking shitting hell!" This caused him to jump up immediately, holding his hoodie close to him, making sure his arms were hidden. "Harry! What the fuck!?"

"I-I'm sorry-" He stammered out, "I didn't mean to, I uh, I didn't mean to scare you, I was just uh..." He gestured to the window before immediately hiding his arm again, thankful the only source of light was the moon as he pulled on his hoodie.

"No, I-uh, it's alright." Louis sighed, "just didn't expect anyone to be down here, that's all."

"What are you doing down here?"

"I was hungry so I came down for a midnight snack."

"It's 3 in the morning."

"Same idea though." Louis shrugged, "what are you doing down here?"

"Couldn't sleep. I like to watch the rain when I can't sleep. If it's raining that is. Otherwise it's a bit boring."

"Is this a regular occurrence? You not sleeping I mean."

"Yeah. I don't sleep often." He mumbled, "if I do then it's not for long."

"Why not?"

Harry just stared at him for a second, not answering as he settled back onto the sofa.

"Right, well, is there anything I can do to help?"

'Yeah,' Harry thought, 'hold me.'

"No, there's nothing." He shook his head, "thanks though."

"Do you have pills? Or can you?" Louis sat next to him.

"Used to have them." Harry sighed, "they wouldn't give me anymore though." He said, a feeling of guilt rising up in his stomach. His therapist has written to his doctor after one too many failed suicide attempts. He had always begun to take them, and then threw them up before anything could work. Let's just say he wasn't great at swallowing pills and was too scared to do anything else. That was back when he was at his lowest, and now, although he wanted all his suffering to end, he didn't want to die. He just wanted things to get better.

"Oh," Louis frowned, "why not?"

Harry visibly tensed up, "um, they had side effects?" He squeaked out. "Sorry for keeping you up, you can go to bed now if you want."

"No, it's alright. I'm gonna get something to eat and I'll sit with you whilst I eat it."

"Okay." Harry nodded, looking back out of the window and leaning on one hand.

He let out a large sigh, Louis glancing over. "You okay?"

"Yeah, 'm good."

"Honestly?"

"I'm not ready to share my honesty yet." Harry shrugged.

Louis understood that so didn't push him, but he was worried. He finished pouring out his cereal and grabbed his toast, moving to sit on the floor by Harry.

"Have you been to sleep at all yet?"

Harry shook his head softly, curling up more.

"Are you going to try?"

"No. I can't be arsed. It's too much effort and nothing ever happens. And I'd rather distract myself than lie there and think."

"Thinking is dangerous." Louis nodded in agreement, shovelling a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, "sorry, did you want any food?"

"It's alright, I'm good."

"You sure?"

"It's 3 in the morning. I think I'll pass."

"Are you positive there's nothing I can do to help you sleep? I'll feel awful if I leave you down here."

"I'm sure."

"Well," Louis said, holding his hand up as he swallowed his mouthful, "if you're staying down here, so am I. But I'm probably going to sleep. But I don't want you to be lonely."

Harry bit his tongue as he almost made a remark regarding them leaving, but he decided against it, not wanting to start anything when Louis was being sweet.

"I, you don't need to. I don't wanna ruin your sleep."

"Well I'm going to sooo..." Louis trailed off with a shrug, "are there any blankets down here?"

Harry motioned to the end of the sofa where several blankets sat. Louis followed his gaze, standing up and placing his dirty bowl in the dishwasher before grabbing a blanket and settling on the sofa next to Harry. He lay down so his head was propped up on a couple of cushions as he stared at Harry.

He noticed how Harry sat, curled in on himself as if he was afraid to take up too much space, trying to make himself as small as possible as to not get in the way of others. He often sat with an arm wrapped around his stomach, clinging tightly to his jumper, or nails scratching at his thighs or hands and wrists. The boy was so much more fearful than he used to be. Almost like the ghost of the boy he once was.