To Be So Lonely || l.s. ✓

Chapter 10

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Louis groaned, standing up and running a hand through his hair.

"What the hell just happened?" Liam looked around with a frown on his face.

Louis inhaled deeply before falling back onto the sofa, "I told him why we stopped talking to him and it didn't help shit. He's so upset. We're all fucking idiots."

Niall let out a sigh as he looked back out into the corridor where Harry had pushed past them. "Should I go speak to him?"

"And say what? Oh yeah, we're sorry we ignored you and didn't message you once to check up on you. Yeah that would go down brilliantly." Louis spat sarcastically, "sorry, sorry, I just, I'm so mad at myself."

"It's probably best we leave him alone for a bit." Zayn spoke up, "he's pissed and sad and if we go and talk to him we'll probably make things worse."

Louis suddenly stood up again, "I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." Niall nodded with a small smile, "night mate."

"Night." Louis nodded in return before making his way to his room with his hands in his pockets.

//

"Harry's either ignoring me or he's not in his room." Louis entered the kitchen.

"He left a note mate." Niall frowned, "he went out before any of us woke up."

"Fuck's sake. He can't just avoid us the whole week."

"No doubt he'll find a way. He always seems to find a way when he doesn't wanna interact. He always has."

"He hates us. He fucking hates us. I'm going to find him."

"No, Louis. Leave him." Zayn grabbed his arm. "It's gonna do more harm than good. He might need someone there but at the same time he doesn't want anyone. He'll shut you out."

"I need him to know we still care. It's not like he's not already shut us out. I'm going after him."

"Just make sure you're gentle with him. If he shouts, don't shout back. It'll only make things worse."

"I-I'm not gonna shout. I just need to make sure he knows I still care about him. I don't want thinking that we don't give a shit about him. I can't have him thinking that." Louis told them as he pulled on his shoes. "I'll see you later."

//

Louis rounded the corner, immediately sporting the curly headed figure perched on a log. "Harry." He breathed out a sigh of relief, "thank god."

Harry whipped his head around with a small gasp, removing his cigarette from his lips. His eyes were red and puffy, indicating he had been crying whilst out here.

"W-what the...what the fuck are you doing here?"

"God, you're shaking. Are you alright? What time did you leave the house?"

"I-I'm fine. I'm fine. What are you doing here? I wanted to be alone."

"Harry, what time did you leave?"

"I don't fucking know, 4 maybe. 5? Now what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to find you. You scared me. I'm so sorry. Please Harry, we still care about you. I know it seems like a load of shit, and it is, but I promise you, we meant well. We care about you."

"But-" his voice cracked as he looked down to the ground, "but do you?"

"Yes. We do, we absolutely do. Please, trust me."

"I don't trust people." Harry shook his head, "can't."

Louis sighed, "come back. It's chilly out here."

"I'm alright." Harry shrugged. "I'd like to be alone if that's alright."

"Will you come back in a bit?"

"I don't know." Harry shrugged. "I'll probably have to. Won't I? It's not like I have anywhere else to go."

"Come back now. Please. You'll catch a cold."

"Okay." Harry sighed, "only if you stop pestering me."

"I will, I just need to know you're safe."

"We're in the middle of nowhere. I severely doubt there's a killer lurking around here somewhere."

"Yeah, but...you never know. And it's not so much that. I just need to know you don't get hurt."

Harry let out a small snort. Louis was a bit late for that. They had hurt him severely by leaving him, and in turn he had begun to hurt himself. "Okay."

//

"Hey mate, are you okay?" Niall gave Harry a smile as the pair walked through the door.

Harry looked up at him with a blank expression, shrugging before walking away.

"Hey, wait." Liam called after him, "we were thinking we start writing some songs today?"

"Oh...yeah...okay, if you want. I-I'm just going to have a shower first."

"Alright, we'll be in here."

Harry nodded before making his way into his en suite, stripping down and stepping into the shower, grabbing his blade as he did so.

After 15 minutes he stepped out again, arms with multiple new cuts on each and tear tracks down his face.

He huffed lightly as he wiped at his cheeks aggressively, pulling on a hoodie and joggers before trudging back into the living room.

"Are you alright?" Zayn frowned up at him, noticing he had been crying.

Harry nodded, pulling his hood up and settling down at the far end of the sofa. "How are we doing this?"

"So, we were thinking just split into two groups and maybe write a song in that group or whatever. Just to start."

"It's like primary school." Niall chuckled, Liam raising an eyebrow at him with an amused smile.

"Harry, do you wanna go with Lou, then I'll go with Zayn and Ni?" Liam suggested.

"Alright." Harry nodded slowly, looking at Louis expectantly as he Louis shuffled towards him. "Um, I don't really have any ideas. I only fair write from experience but that's too personal." He bit his lip.

"It's alright. We can work together." Louis reassured him. "You know how Cherry is your most vulnerable song apparently, is that true? I just wondered cause it seemed like others were more...you know."

"Oh, um. No, it's not true. All the girlfriends I've had have been PR stunts. You know, after all, I am gay."

"I just wondered if you'd actually dated them before you realised you were gay."

"No." Harry shook his head, "absolutely not."

"What is your most vulnerable song then?"

"Um, Sweet Creature, Ever Since New York, Falling and To Be So Lonely probably. But all in different ways."

"How so?" Harry debated whether to share for a few seconds before finally deciding it wouldn't do him any harm to share the first two.

"Sweet Creature is about someone I used to really like. Like I could see my future with them, but it would never have worked." He sighed. "We were too young and stupid."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Louis said sympathetically, "may I ask who?"

"No you may not." Harry answered before moving on, "Ever Since New York is about when I found out Robin had died. The other two are pretty self explanatory."

"I'm so sorry Harry." Louis sighed, "I should've fuckin' been there for you."

"It's too late now. It's fine." Harry dismissed it, shifting awkwardly.

"I'm sorry." Louis repeated quietly. "Is To Be So Lonely about us? And Falling?"

"Well, yeah...kinda." He mumbled. Falling was more about just Louis, not all of them, but Louis didn't need to know that, "let's get on with writing this."