forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞

september 8th?

i stare at the doctor in disbelief. "what do you remember?" he asks. i automatically try to find the latest memory i had. "i remember the white car. it hit me. i remember...seattle... i went to seattle i think." i look around. i look at liam. "yeah, i remember i got drunk in seattle with..."

as things start to get clearer i look away from him and stop talking. no one can know i got drunk with my therapist or that i got drunk at all. i remember us dancing in his living room. "that's it?" the doctor asks.

"how is it september? you're lying right?" i look at maddy. if it was september it would make sense as to why she looks bigger. "the accident didn't leave you with any head trauma but you did have a concussion which explains the memory loss but i'm a little concerned. you think it's may which means there is a big four month gap that is blank in your head."

i try to keep a normal face. inside i was freaking out. this wasn't a prank. i try to think back, to remember what possibly could've happened. nothing. absolutely nothing. it's like a dead end. "i can't...there's a blockage... i-"

i really try. it's starting to frustrate me. what have i done in the last four months? how do i look different? how is my hair a whole different color? did liam fix me? did he make me okay again?

"don't stress yourself out! you won't remember anyways." he comes over to me. "how? how can i not remember the last four months but i'm okay? mentally. i can still speak, i remember everyone but i..." i feel myself about to cry but i don't want to show weakness. i needed to show them that i was okay and the same bri i was. i'm not crazy or mental.

"the brain is very complex. if you don't mind, i'd like to do an evaluation." the doctor tells everyone in the room. they look at me before slowly leaving the room. "why is everyone staring at me like that? what did i do? what happened?" i let myself cry. i hold maddy close. "are you okay?" her worried face makes me suck it up. "i'm okay! go with mason. i'll see you soon."

i kiss her little forehead and she climbs off the bed and leaves the room leaving me and the doctor. this was insane. "this is just as difficult for everyone else as it is for you. it's going to be hard for the people you love to help you. they've experienced everything that you now don't even know happened. my advice is to ask questions, ask them to show you pictures and tell you what happened." the doctor started messing with my machine.

i lay back looking down at myself once more. a broken arm, a broken leg and a broken memory. great.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

it's been a long few days. i was okay to go home today but things weren't okay. i couldn't even walk. i had to be in a wheelchair. if my arm was okay i could've used crutches. i asked for them anyways. apparently my rib was also broken. which made my breathing painful but i was drugged up most of the time.

i haven't really talked to anyone. for the main reason that they haven't talked to me. "are you hungry?" mason asked. "starving." i keep my eyes closed. i felt sick to my stomach. being back in a car was unsettling. i felt claustrophobic. "are you okay? do i need to go back to the hospital?" his voice full of concern. i open my eyes and look at him. "no! i just... it's a lot." i don't even dare to look out of the window.

"i can drive faster. to get you home quicker." mason steps on the gas and drives a little faster but it freaks me out. "no don't do that!" i yell accidentally making him jump. "sorry. that makes it worse." i hold my cast. his driving slows again. i try to breathe normally. this was a nightmare. i just wanted to be home.

fifteen minutes later and i finally was. having to be wheelchaired made me angry, i hated feeling useless. i hated that i couldn't do anything on my own.

"thank you." i thank mason as he helps me sit down on the couch. i looked like a robot, it was kind of funny. "what are you in the mood for?" mason asks. "a grilled cheese." i smile looking at him.

he smiles and shakes his head. his smile means a lot to me. especially right now. "of course you want a grilled cheese right now." he walks away towards the kitchen.

i sigh looking around my dads. everything looks the same. it's home. i look at my bare hands. my ring must be in my car. the police has to have it along with everything else that was inside of my car. i look at mason in the kitchen. he looks at me differently. it hurts. i knew we've been distant but this is so different.

again i try to remember. anything. just something but i can't. "one grilled cheese for you." he hands me the plate. "thank you." i thank him again and rush to take a bite. masons food was heaven compared to the hospital food i had to eat. i eat like i always do and he just watches me. for a moment i could see younger mason. he stared at me and smiled just like he used to in high school. innocently...purely. the look of love.

i know because i look at him the same way.

but it fades.

regret.

pity.

he pities me.

i put the plate down and finish what's in my mouth. "please don't look at me like that." i beg. it's frustrating. "sorry." he looks at his hands. we sit in silence and i piece a few things together. "i'm not stupid," i say softly. he looks up.

"i know that something isn't right. i just don't know what."

it had to have been something i did. i always ruin things.

he doesn't say anything.

it's that bad?

"this is hard," mason says finally. i listen. "i don't know if i should tell you or not."

i bite my cheek. "tell me. i can take it."

he sighs.

"bri i broke up with you."