forever my baby

𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧

we had eight more hours until we boarded the plane again. so we decided to go to vondelpark. it was so beautiful and vibrant. it was as if we were in a whole different atmosphere. and we were... kind of.

we were sitting in the grass eating sandwiches, watching the ducks in the pond and everyone. "i wish we had more time here. i want to go to the anne frank house and the van gogh museum. oh and see the royal palace!" i say to my parents. my dad laughs. "someone's been researching the place."

"dad of course i did. i've been wanting to leave washington since i was eleven. amsterdam is number four on my list of places to travel." i wrap maddy in a blanket. it's cold here but we were used to the cold.

"spain is first, greece is second, mexico is third and italy is fifth. we know, the list goes on and on." my mom smiles. "you remembered?" i'm surprised. "of course i remember, you never shut up about it and you made this whole project board thing and printed all these pictures out."

"oh yeah and she put it in the kitchen so we could see it everyday to make us feel bad for not taking her." my dad joins. we laugh. "i did not!" i shake my head clearly remembering when i did that. this is great. everything was great. we were laughing. my parents were together again. my wish came true. i just wanted us to be a family again and we were.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

one week later

**i'm skipping her trip because it would just be of them being tourists and that's boring lol**

i loved being away from home. it was so beautiful i didn't want to come back. there was just something about going somewhere i've never been before. maybe i was still being young and naïve. i loved the feeling of new things and change.

we came back to parker in the living room. everyone was tired but me, madeline was knocked out. "hey!" he says a little too loud. i shush him. i slowly walk upstairs and put maddy in her bed. i pass my parents as i walk down the hallway. "get some sleep." i smile, they look like zombies.

they go into my dads room. i guess it's just me and parker.

"hey." i wave coming back into the living room. "hey." he hugs me unexpectedly. "oh, someone missed me." i joke and awkwardly hug him back. "i did."

we sit down on the couch. "no offense but why are you here? everyone is knocked out." i try not to sound mean. he laughs. "i'm here because i wanted to ask you how your trip was."

i laugh. "you could've texted me that." he's being weird. "yeah i know, i also wanted to talk to you." we make eye contact and keep it for a while. "okay... about what?"

"actually i'll tell you tomorrow when you're well rested." he gets up. what?!

"um, no. now you have to tell me or i'm not going to be able to sleep because i'll be overthinking all of the things you could say." i get up as well and cross my arms. he runs his hands through his hair. a typical parker move.

"okay..."

i squint at him. jesus he's making me nervous.

"do you remember when riley overheard us talking? in your room? i said something like your friends shouldn't be mad at who you want to date?"

oh god.

"parker what are you doing?" i step back. he steps forward. "and do you remember when i asked you to be my girlfriend? do you remember how excited we were? to finally be able to be together with nothing holding us back."

i remember.

i shake my head. "parker don't." i walk away. not again, not tonight. "why not? why don't you want to remember the good times we've had? i get it, i fucked your life up but i'm here now. i've been trying everything i can to fix my mistakes and be here but you won't let me in."

i continue to shake my head. i walk outside trying to escape this conversation.

"please stop!" i say seeing him follow right behind me.

i've had this conversation before.

i will never be able to escape this fucking feeling.

yes! i know i don't let anyone in. yes! i know i don't want to talk about our past. i haven't gotten over it.

"why?" he's desperate for an answer. "because i don't want to! i don't want to think about good times because i know how they end. they're memories! everything that happened is from the past! i'm a whole different person now!" i yell. he's scoffs.

"so am i! you're not the only one that can change. if everything happened in the past then why haven't you forgiven me in the present?"

i just stare at him. fuck.

"i already told you, i have forgiven you." we stand there in the cold arguing back and forth. i'm on the verge of tears. this is so exhausting. it's a never-ending battle and i always lose.

"this doesn't feel like forgiveness. you made it clear that you hate me and want nothing to do with me other than be maddys father. you want to know what i think? this whole time you've been feeling like something is missing. what do you think it is?"

as hard as i fight it, the tears fall anyways.

"i just want the best for her." i say quietly. that's all i want.

"the best for her is us. we're a family bri. you see the way she lights up when we're together. that's how it's supposed to be. let me in." he comes towards me.

"i can't. i can't go through that again! it killed me!" i back away. "i won't let you go through that ever again." he holds onto my hands and pulls me into him. "how do i know that? anyone can just leave at any time and i'll be left alone! i can't trust anyone anymore and i can't go back to that dark place again! i can't keep setting myself up for heartbreak." i cry.

"please. let me prove to you that i've changed."

i cry more. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

i let myself fall on the floor. "this is so hard." i cry into my hands. "what's so hard?"

oh god. he's going to make me say it.

please don't make me say it.

"letting you back in. i hate you so much yet i still love you. i don't want to but i do. after everything you've put me through i still love you and i hate myself for it."

i feel like a huge weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders. i've been holding that in for the longest time.

and it really fucking sucks to admit it.

i still love him.

he drops down with me.

"you still love me?" it was as if something switched in his head. he cuffs my face with his hands. "unfortunately." i sniffle. "i love you too." his smile was back.

he slowly starts to lean in. i looked at him as he got closer. "parker i'm scared." i say when our lips touch.

"trust me."

i shake my head.

"trust me." he repeats before kissing me.

it's been years since we last kissed.

he still has the same effect on me.

i kissed him back desperately.