forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧

lonely was an understatement. everyone knew things i didn't. i felt left out and like a stranger in my own body. i know it wasn't my fault but i developed a hatred for myself.

the wind blows my hair in my face irritating me. i never wanted to cut my hair so why did i do it? i have to go back to the salon. i know no one would let me, all i do is sit on the couch or lay in bed. i'm capable of doing things i just needed to use my crutches.

i look at my totaled car. it's quiet. you can hear the birds chirping. all eyes are on me.

i can hear the sounds of the crash.

"we gathered everything from the car. we'll have them sent to your place. i'm sorry." the police officer says looking at me. i don't say anything. my dad and him start talking. i look at the car again. rest in peace i guess. i groan in my head. now i have to buy a new car.

"what happened to the other person?" i ask curious. did he die too? "after he got out of the hospital, he was arrested." the police officer said. i was interested now. "arrested? why?"

"he was a drunk driver bear." my dad put his hand on my shoulder. a drunk driver. i died because of a drunk driver. my daughter's life was in danger because of someone who thought driving impaired was a good idea.

"can we go?" i ask my dad taking one last look at my car. "yeah. thank you officer for your time." my dad starts to pull my wheelchair and we go to his car. he helps me get into the car and we drive away from the junkyard.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

i watch maddy as she draws on my arm cast. i want to know what's going on in that little head of hers. "hi." i say, her big eyes look at me. "hi mommy." her focus goes back to drawing. "are you okay?"

she switches markers. "yes." i bite my cheek. i don't remember four months of her life. that's what hurt the most, she was three now and i didn't even experience it.

"do you remember your birthday party?" i ask admiring her. she's so beautiful. "mhm," she nods. "it was purple and blue." i laugh. was that the only thing she remembered? purple and blue? i swear i wanted her theme to be wild and three.

"did you have fun?" i try to peek and see what she was drawing. "wait!" she covers it. i apologize and sit back laughing. my waist started to hurt but i didn't care. i ask her again if she had fun. i had to know if i did a good job. "yes! my friends were there and we had cake!"

another marker change. she had fun, that's all that matters. there's a knock on the front door. "i got it!" i mess with my dad. "yeah right." he walks from the kitchen to the front door and opens it. my dad greets liam. i roll my eyes, i don't want therapy right now. "what's up?" i wave at him.

"how's my favorite client and friend doing?" he sits in front of me. he called me his friend? "you said friend!" i get excited then remember i've been trying to get him to be less formal with me. "i did," he smiles. "how are you? maddy's quite an artist there by the way."

i look at her continuing to draw. i can't wait to see what she did. "to be honest liam, i don't know what to feel. everything is all messed up and i can't do anything about it. i'm pretty sure parkers mad at me." i watch my dad go upstairs. "why is he mad?"

i just broke his heart.

"i told him that i didn't love him." my confession makes liams eyes go big. "ouch. why would you say that?" he waits patiently for my answer. i look at maddy before answering. "because i don't."

"i think you do love him. in fact i know you love him, you said it yourself." liam says. that wasn't me though. "how could i love him again after everything he's done? i know i'm no angel but he's been playing with my emotions ever since i met him. i don't understand why i would ever get back with him. he's the main reason i'm even talking to you in the first place." i shake my head.

"people change and you saw that. parker isn't the same person he was before. the last few months that you've been with him, something changed in you. you were happy, truly happy. you were so happy that you barely even needed to see me."

i doubt that.

"i don't know. i love mason so much, i can't see myself with anyone else." maddy runs off somewhere and i look at my cast. i laugh. there were flowers, each in a different color of the rainbow. i show liam. "i'm going to get this tatted on me." i smile looking around for her.

i assume she went upstairs so i let myself relax on the couch.

i wonder if my mom's going to visit me.

i make eye contact with liam to see him smiling. i raise an eyebrow. why is he smiling?

"you're going to be okay." he sits back getting comfortable. i guess. "i'll be okay when my bones heal." i look at my body. who knows when that will be.

"tell me something liam," i look at him. "tell me everything that happened. what happened after seattle?" i'm eager to know. "what's the last thing you remember?" he asks. seattle, right? the night i got drunk.

"i remember us dancing in your living room." i kind of smile. that's a memory i'm glad i didn't lose. "oh, wow. well i took you to that famous gum wall, you didn't like it." he takes his phone out. i watch him scroll for a little bit. he shows me a picture.

red hair me with a peace sign. i know her.

"then uh... things kind of went to shit for you." he looks cautious. i know what he's talking about. "mason broke up with me. then what happened? he wouldn't tell me." i try to keep a poker face like it didn't bother me. "for good reason. it really is best that you don't know."

i nod. i get it, i reacted badly.

"you got better though, you killed your garden, went to greece then... got back together with parker."

"i went to greece?! are you kidding me? i went to greece and have no memory of it?!"