forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

maddy comes back downstairs and sits on my lap.

"hi liam." she waves at him.

"hi maddy. i like what you did on your moms arm."

"thank you."

someone knocks on the door. i hope it's my mother.

liam gets up to open the door. maddy grabs the remote off the couch and attempts to change the channel. i smile watching her fail badly. "we went to greece?" i ask her.

it wasn't my mom at the door, it was someone way better. mason.

but why?

he broke up with me. twice. why was he here?

"i better be on my way. i'll check up on you later okay?" liam comes back in view. i simply nod. "can we watch the little mermaid?" maddy finally gives up and puts the remote in my face. i take it.

"hi mason." i say looking at the tv. i know he's here. i don't know why he hasn't come in the living room though. no response. until he finally walks into my view.

he looks so good. take me back, i love you.

"hey." his voice makes my heart skip a beat. i miss you. please love me.

"did you leave something?" i ask keeping a poker face. kiss me. tell me you love me.

"no... i had to apologize." he catches my attention. apologize? for what? breaking up with me? "for?" my poker face is strong.

i think.

i want to hold him. i want him back.

"i feel like i was too harsh on you. i should've been more careful with you." he rushes to sit next to me. his demeanor is making me wonder. is he going to get back together with me?

"i'm a big girl, i can handle it." i sort of lie. life without my best friend? no way i could handle that. "yeah but i shouldn't of put that all on you at once. i just thought... i don't know what i thought." he grabs my hand. i look down confused but i wasn't going to ask, he was here. that's all i needed.

"i'm going to hang out with you for the rest of the day." he gets up and tells me to scoot up. i do and he sits behind me. "lay down."

i hesitate to. my heart raced. he was starting to make me nervous, an emotion i never really experience with him. he was acting too kind for someone who just broke up with me. twice.

but that's just mason.

i lay back on him and he starts to play with my hair.

uuuugggggghhhhhh.

why are guys so confusing?

i don't know how to feel but i just let him. anything to keep him here with me.

i look at maddy on my lap and feel mason behind me. this is how it should be. mason, not parker.

i had to move on from him. i had to.

"how are you feeling?" mason asks. with you playing with my hair? i feel great. "i'm okay." i let my body sink deeper into him until i'm relaxed. the little mermaid catches my attention and i start to watch it with madeline.

"can i ask you something?" he asks in a tone that throws me off.  "sure." my attention is still on the movie.

"what was it like? to die?"

i freeze. my attention was no longer on the movie.

i've tried to forget that. me dying. it didn't make sense to me and it was completely depressing. i didn't want to remember the light or me having to choose between life or death.

i felt selfish for wanting to die but at the same time i didn't. i never wanted to feel the way i felt when i opened my eyes in the hospital ever again. it was the absolute worst feeling.

"i'm sorry. i don't know why i asked. forget about it!" he's quick to dismiss what he said. i stayed silent, breathing slowly.

i didn't want to talk about it but i could see how someone would be interested to know the answer: what happens when you die?

personally i never wondered about the afterlife. i mean i am only twenty, my life has just begun.

i tried finding an answer for him. death is happiness? joy? pure satisfaction? i'm sure i'd scare him with these answers. "choosing whether you want to die or live is the hardest choice i think anyone could make. even if i had the most perfect life, i'd still choose to die."

that ended up coming out more morbid than i thought.

i think my answer intrigued him.

"but you chose to live. why if you wanted to die so badly?"

i look down at my baby.

"i can't leave her,"

"also i didn't necessarily want to die, i just wanted to finally be happy."

"and dying would've made you happy?" he tries to understand.

he won't.

but i can't do this again. i can't put him off just because i don't think he'll understand. i needed to talk to him, to communicate. lack of communication was the reason he broke up with me after all.

i sigh trying to map out what i'm about to say without sounding crazy.

"dying is peaceful. it calls to you. i saw maddy, she reached her arm out. she didn't want me to go so i grabbed her hand then i woke up in the hospital."

i didn't want to get too deep into it.