forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲

i don't really know what i'm doing. was i making a mistake? trusting him again. i don't know. the only thing i knew was that i loved him. i really did. i didn't know what that said about me but i didn't care. will i ever learn my lesson?

i knew he was the missing part in my life. i just couldn't bring myself to admit it. this whole time i've been going to therapy to try and find the answer when i knew it all along. i tried to get over him. i really did. i thought that being with mason would help. he did help but not in the way i needed. i thought that if i was with someone who treated me right and loved me that i'd be okay. that the feeling of emptiness would go away.

it didn't. i guess i was trying to find my happiness in other people which is totally not fair. i was looking for someone to fix me.

maybe you're a bad person.

maybe you're just broken.

i look at him. we were sitting on the couch with my legs over his lap. he played with my anklet. "i know you're a different person now but i still know you and i know that you're thinking a lot right now." he rubs my leg.

i bite the inside of my cheek. "i guess i'm just thinking what now?" i was getting tired now. i just wanted to sleep. "whatever you want." i take a deep breath then i let it go. don't say it, don't say it.

"please don't leave me again."

"come here." he opens his arms. i climb into his arms. parker kisses my forehead. "i'm not going anywhere." i lay my head on his chest getting ready to close my eyes. "i'm serious parker, i'll kill you." i say bluntly. i really would. "noted."

i never thought i'd be in his arms again. for the first time in a long time, i feel safe. actually safe, it wasn't me trying to convince myself. i feel like i'm at home. parker is my home.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

i woke up the next day in my bed with his arms wrapped around me. i kissed his nose before getting out of his grip. i watched him move around trying to get comfortable again.

i couldn't help but smile. is this real? did i really have him back? i felt like a kid again. i walked to the bathroom and peed. as i was washing my hands, i looked in the mirror.

i smiled. it felt weird to see myself genuinely smile. i look at my hair. i feel like this new style didn't fit me anymore. i needed to change it again.

my mind is all over the place. i see the door open and parker come in. "good morning." he says coming up behind me. "good morning." i pass him his toothbrush and my toothpaste.

we brush our teeth staring at each other in the mirror. it's so crazy to me. i can see our younger selves. how did we get here?

"i think i'm going to dye my hair again." i spit then grab the mouth rinse. "what are you going through an identity crisis?" he smiles. "no! i just don't like this style anymore." we both rinse then wipe our mouths.

he puts his arms around me and we still stare. "i support you." he kisses my cheek. "you say that until i come home with green hair." i joke. i get out of his grip then i run the shower. "you're joking right?" he says. "get out i'm getting in the shower." i point to the door. "it's nothing i haven't seen before." he raises his eyebrows. classic parker.

"i'm older now. i had a baby. my body is not how you remember it." i push him out. "refresh my memory?" he smirks. "funny. don't push it, i still don't like you." i hold the door open for a second. "what are you doing today?" he asks.

"the salon, therapy and back home. why?" he looks suspicious. "let me take you out today. just us." that damn smirk. the confidence. he was still parker that's for damn sure. "okay." i smile. he leans in but i close the door and lock it.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

"back so soon?" georgia asks as i sit in the chair. "yeah. i loved the look it's just not me. i was trying to be someone i'm wasn't, i'm ready to be me now i guess." i say. "any ideas in mind?"

"yeah."

☀︎☀︎☀︎

"oh shit, hey." liam says when i walk in. "hey." i laugh at his reaction. "you look good. what's going on? why the hair change?" we hug before going to our seats. "i felt like red wasn't me." i relax. "well that makes sense. you definitely look like you now."

"thanks." i take that as a compliment. "of course, so fill me in. why do you look happy? that's very rare." he makes me laugh. i look down trying not to smile like crazy but i couldn't help it. "okay well now i have to know." he smiles. it looks like he's happy for me.

"i am happy, i'm really happy. parker and i are kind of back together again i guess. sort of, my guard is still up. i don't trust him fully. my parents are back together too. it's as if things are finally falling back into place." i say not sure what his response was going to be. "you and parker? well that's good. i'm happy for you."

my eyebrows raise. what? "you are?" i question. "of course i am, why wouldn't i be? if you're happy, i'm happy." i nod. i love that actually. "i don't know, because of all the things i've told you about him, i really appreciate it." i'm relieved, one good reaction.

"first of all it's none of my business, i'm on your side. and second of all and most importantly, you're my friend. my job is to make sure you're happy." i gasp. "you just said we're friends! yes!" i get excited. "yeah yeah. how are you feeling?" he rolls his eyes. back to therapy. "i feel okay. i'm still a little scared, thinking of the what if's. i feel like i have my missing piece back. i feel alive again. it just happened but i know things are going to be okay. i have my person back."

he smiles. "i'm so glad you were able to figure it out. it took you a while but you got it." i frown a little. "what do you mean?" liam leans forward. "it was obvious you still loved him. you wanted to hate him because of everything he did to you but you weren't fooling anyone."

my mouth drops open. "if you knew that i still loved him and it was so obvious then why didn't you just tell me to forgive him earlier?" i ask sitting back. "i don't know if you know this but you're very fucking stubborn. if i told you that you probably would've cussed me out. i also think you were in denial, you would've tried to convince me and yourself that you had no feelings for him."

i nod. point taken. "should i love him though? it feels wrong to love him." i sigh. "that's it right there. it feels wrong to love him because he broke you but here you are still in love with him. wanna know why? it's because you're growing up. you're becoming an adult. you understand why things went the way they did. you know that people can change because you did. you're giving him another chance because you can't blame it all on him. i mean sure you can but then you'll be miserable for the rest of your life. he owned up to what he did and he's fixing it. he's taking initiative, showing you that he's not a little scared boy anymore. he's just like you, figuring out how the world works. fixing past mistakes. trying to be better. trying to heal."

wow.

this is adulting.

"you know what? you're very wise." i compliment him. "i'd like to think so." he sits back and throws a piece of gum in his mouth. i sit there taking in everything he said. "thank you liam, you fixed me." i smile big.

"no i didn't, you fixed yourself. i mean you were never broken, just lost. you found yourself again, it was all you. you should be proud of yourself, i know i'm proud of you."

☀︎☀︎☀︎

this is bri's new hair!! back to the og bri lol.