forever my baby

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲

the days went by so slowly. it's been two weeks since i was released from the hospital. i finally got my stitches out, now there's a weird scar on my forehead that will probably be there for the rest of my life. mason has been coming over a lot. i didn't mind his presence but i did mind how affectionate he was being. his behavior has been confusing lately.

mason always treated me like i was special. but now it felt weird. he came over almost everyday to visit me and when he did, he was very touchy. like we were together and it messed with my head. i wasn't going to let myself fall for it though. he made it clear he didn't want to be with me. or maybe he really couldn't.

all i know is that i can't fall for it. i'll just set myself back up for heartbreak once again. at the end of the day, we can't be together.

maybe i'm meant to be single, to be alone.

i was starting to act weird too. everyone else was quick to notice but they haven't said anything...yet. i know they will.

i've been having the worst episodes. one hour i'm as happy as can be, one hour later i'm angry at everything and i want to lay in bed and cry all night. i didn't lash out at anyone though, i was making sure to never do that again.

the feeling of being alone was the worst out of all of them. alone was an understatement. i felt isolated. i knew my dad was getting even more worried as time went by. he would catch me on the verge of tears all the time. every time i'd make eye contact with him, i'd smile and wave and suck it up. he'd fake smile as if he wasn't staring at me.

no one could see me like this. i have to prove that i'm getting better even if i wasn't. everyone already felt bad for me and treated me like i was fragile when i wasn't.

i don't know what to do anymore. my internship and semester was over, i didn't have a job. all i did was stay home sitting on the couch or in my bed. the physical pain i was in was too much to bare sometimes. it hurt to even breathe. i was drugged up most of the time. i began to feel like a zombie.

my leg and arm didn't hurt at all when compared to my rib. i was going to be in this condition for a while, each fracture had a healing time.

i felt myself slowly at the peak of my depressive episode.

the door opened alarming me. i dropped my orange as i stared at mason who had just walked in. i sigh mentally. "sorry," he came over to grab the orange before i tried bending down. "hey." he kissed me on the cheek as he sat the orange down in front of me. i bit my cheek trying to not react. i wanted him to stop.

"mason you don't have to be here." i say continuing to peel my orange. "i want to be." he smiles at me. i don't know how to say how i feel without feeling like an ungrateful bitch. i just wanted space.

you literally didn't want him to leave...

ugh.

"you're here everyday." i throw the peelings away. "i wasn't here yesterday." he jokes but his smile fades when he see's that i didn't laugh with him.

i'm silent for a minute. i don't want to hurt his feelings or push him away anymore. i needed him to reject me again so i could get over this fantasy i had in my head. this fantasy of him and maddy together in our own place. a family. i wasn't going to get that.

i crutched myself over to him. i laughed in my head, i hated the crutches. the wheelchair was no better, i wanted to walk again normally.

"mason what is this?" i'm straightforward. my question seems to confuse him. "we're friends, what do you mean?"

friends.

get over him asap. we're in the friend-zone for sure now.

ouch!

"friends? cool." i say to myself. i peel the orange into smaller pieces and pop one in my mouth looking at him. "good friends. best friends." he adds.

oof it's just getting worse.

"friends don't kiss each other, or cuddle, or play with each others hair." i make a point. i have in fact done all three of these with my friends before so i kind of was contradicting myself here but you get the point.

he still seemed to be confused so i elaborated. "i'm confused mason, you come over and break up with me again, then a few days later you're all over me and making things feel like we're still together. it's screwing with my mind and i know it's not your fault. i know you're just trying to be there for me but not like this. you can't visit me everyday, i'm okay." i get everything out.

his demeanor changed. i hope i didn't sound mean. he slowly nods and i get ready for it. ready for him to leave once again.

"i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make it feel like that. i guess i'm just... trying to figure everything out still. i'm trying to make sense of all of this myself," he walks up closer to me. "i care about you so much brianna, my feelings for you are still here. sorry if that showed too much. i didn't want to leave you feeling down and sad because of the way i left you. it wasn't fair, i thought i was making up for it."

funny, i feel that way anyways.

"no i get it, one hundred percent." i reassure him. we both look at each other. my handsome... best friend. i catch myself starting to smile, i stop immediately. "i think taking a break is the best thing to do." i throw out there. if i didn't do something, i'd end up feeling suffocated.

"you're right." he agreed with me. it was hard to figure out what mason was thinking, he hid his emotions well. i tried to analyze every facial expression he made but it still never showed. given his past, i can see why he felt the need to hide them. he didn't have to hide them with me.

"thank you for being there for me. especially in this fucked up moment. thank you for always putting my feelings before anything." i thank him. he rolls his eyes and hugged me. i make sure to not drop my orange. "anything for you," he says in my ear before pulling away. i knew he meant that.

if i ever needed anything, i knew i could count on him.

"see you around." he grabbed his things and headed towards the door. i followed. "see you around." i grin watching him walk to his car.

i felt like that went well.

there was only one more thing to do.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

he came like i expected him to. in a way i was lucky. i had two guys in my life that would do anything for me.

"hi." i wave feeling a bit nervous. "hi." parker waves back. he sits next to me on the park bench. i called him over to apologize. i needed closure from both of them in order to move on. "how are you?" i ask genuinely wanting to know.

he squints at me then shakes his head. i wonder what i said wrong.

"the love of my life just died and came back to life and now says that she doesn't even love me. i feel great brianna."

i cringe at myself. i didn't have to be that rude to him.

"i'm sorry. i didn't mean to be so bitchy towards you." i apologize.

he just looks at the park.

"parker, i'm always going to love you. i do love you. from the beginning i wished i could just have both of you. and now i can't have either of you. what a life." i laugh softly to myself at the end.

"i want you in my life parker, just not romantically. you will find someone else. someone better than me." i try to picture parkers future girlfriend. the crazy thing is that i can't.

"maybe... but there's no one like you." he smiles. i roll my eyes in my head. i wish i saw myself the way mason and parker see me.

"friends?" he holds his hand out. "good friends."