forever my baby

𝐟𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧

"i want to see him." i say looking out the window. "give it a few days. give him some space." liam sips his coffee. hmm.

"thank you. for helping me. i really appreciate it. i would've still been in my room if it wasn't for you." i hug him. "of course, that's what i'm here for. just please call me whenever something like this happens. you had me and everyone else worried sick. take care of yourself and go be with your daughter, she needs you."

i let go and nod. "okay i will, thanks." i get excited. i wave bye and walk up to the door. i knock then turn around to look at liam. he waves from his car. my dad opens the door and i sigh. "hey dad. i'm sorry for being a total psycho." i apologize as we hug. we come inside and i realize it's quiet. "i'm worried about you bear. i don't know how to help you. i thought maybe therapy was working for you but then you locked yourself up in your room and didn't talk to anyone. they told me you and mason broke up?"

i was still having a hard time comprehending that. "therapy is working dad and he broke up with me," i look around the living room. "where's maddy?" i ask. "i don't understand, what happened?"

"madeline!" i yell getting ready to go upstairs. "it's me dad. it was me. i fucked it up just like i fuck up everything else." i run upstairs and run to my daughters room. i open the door i see her playing dolls with my mom.

"mommy!" she drops them and runs up to me. i hold on tight to her as soon as she's in my arms and i break down crying.

are we even surprised at this point?

"i missed you mommy." i can hear her crying. i can't believe i acted so selfishly. i can't leave her by herself ever again. i'm all she has and vice versa. "i missed you too bug." i rub her back. her little arms tighten around the back of my neck.

i never want to hear her cry ever again. "hey don't cry, everything is going to be okay and you know why?" i wipe the tears from my baby's face. "because i'm right here next to you. it's just you and me, i'll always be here for you. i'm forever your mommy and you're forever my baby."

i force myself to stop crying. "pinky promise?" she looks at me with her big eyes. "pinky promise." i hold my pinky out and she does the same. we pinky promise and i hug her again.

my mom looks at me smiling. i could really use her help.

"can we go get ice cream?" maddy asks making me laugh. "yes we can, go get your coat." i wipe my own tears and she runs out of the room. i stand up and look at my mom.

"what do i do now? i don't know what to do." i ask. "keep your pinky promise."

☀︎☀︎☀︎

i walked into my room and looked around. i really need help. i pushed the drawer back to where it was and i take the sheets off of my bed getting ready to wash them.

as i pull the last sheet, i catch a glimpse of something fall to the floor. i sigh as i pick it up. my ring. my promise ring.

i let myself fall to the floor as i stare at it.

and just like that, i remember.

"are you going to hunters party?" i ask before drinking my blue raspberry slushie. "i don't know, maybe. you should come." mason says making me laugh. "nice one." i pick up the straw and move it to another area. "what? you're not even showing yet. you can still party. you just can't drink... or do drugs. you can dance! slowly though!" he says also taking a sip of his slushie. i roll my eyes and laugh. "yeah, a fourteen week old pregnant teenager at a party. that's a good look. people are already talking about me, i don't want to make it worse." i look around. the view was always pretty here. "fuck them, they don't even know the situation. i won't go, we can watch movies at my house." mason gives me a friendly smile. i wish. "no go! you don't have to take care of me i'm fine. go be a normal teenager. get drunk for me." i nudge him on the shoulder. he laughs then looks at the sky. once again we were at our spot. the top floor of the parking lot. sitting on the hood of his car drinking slushies from the gas station. "i don't want to grow up. i'm not ready." i look down. i really wasn't, i wasn't ready to be a mother. life wasn't supposed to be this way. "i'll be here to help you. you're not alone." mason puts his arm around me and i scoot closer to him. we're silent, just slurping. "do you think parker will be there?" i sigh. "fuck parker!" mason yells making me laugh. "yeah fuck parker... i can't believe he left me," i finish the rest of my drink. "i'm the one missing out on my senior year because i have a baby to carry and he's just living life like... like an asshole!" i yell. "if i see him tonight, i'll fight him for you." mason looks at me and winks. "please do."

"honey?" my mom walks in on me sniffling. i stand up really quick and wipe my face. "awe honey come here." my mom hugs me. all this time i've been mad at her and didn't even realize that i needed my mother. i get mad at myself for crying again, i just can't help it.

"mom remember when you and dad got a divorce and you told me that i'll understand when i'm older?" i say fighting back more tears. "yes." she says softly. "well i'm older now and i still don't understand." i cry harder.

she sits me on my bed and consoles me for a little bit. "sometimes we have to leave the ones we love to find ourselves. it's hard and it's painful and it sucks. trust me, i know it does. when we divorced, i had been with your dad for nineteen years. i didn't get a chance to find out who i was without him. i needed that time to find myself, my true self. put yourself in masons shoes." she says. my wise, wise mother.

the whole time i spent in isolation that's all i did. i put myself in his shoes and i understood why he left.

"i need to see him." i let go of her. "then go. just please don't go all crazy again." she kisses my forehead.

"call me if you need me."

☀︎☀︎☀︎

i get nervous as i walk to his door. this is where he left me. right here.

i raise my hand to knock on the door then i stop. this isn't a good idea.

i walk away, then walk back up to his door.

why was this so hard?

yeah nope go home.

i turn back around and grab my keys out of my pocket.

"bri?" i freeze when i hear his voice.

fuck!