forever my baby

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧

i stop dead in my tracks when i hear my parents talking downstairs. "i'm just stressed about her." my mom sighs. i frown. "what about her? did something happen?" i peek around the corner to see them. my dad sits my mom down at the table. "i feel like i've set too many expectations of her and us and it's falling apart. i know nobody is perfect but i wanted her to grow up happy, stress and worry free. i feel like i'm passing my problems down onto her."

kind of...

i exhale, happy she finally admitted it. i thought i was just crazy. "is maddy not any of those things? she is happy, she might not be stress free but who is? especially at her age, she's a teenager." dad grabs my moms hand.

i am happy. i'm very happy.

do i not show it? do they think i'm ungrateful?

oh my god they don't think i appreciate them.

"our relationship impacts her a lot. she's right, we are a mess. i really did think living together was going to be better for her. it's not, if anything we're setting a bad example of what a relationship should look like, it's toxic."

"woah okay bri, relax. we're not perfect either, i think we're doing the best given the circumstances. sure we can argue less in front of her and do things differently but this is our first kid. we don't know what we're doing! all i know is that our daughter is an amazing kid. we did pretty fucking good."

all of a sudden my dad looks at me which makes my mom look. i'm startled by the unexpected eye contact. it seems i've moved away from my hiding spot. "i-i'm grateful for everything you guys have done for me. i love you both so much and i am happy. i'm sorry if i seem ungrateful or-"

"no!" they both shout. i look at them and notice their demeanor changed. "babe you're fine. don't apologize. we love you too." dad says.

i feel so awkward and confused. i wish i never eavesdropped. "obviously i'm not fine if you guys are questioning how you've raised me." i back up.

my mind starts going off like it always does. the overthinking, how do i stop the overthinking?

i'm not meeting their expectations of me.
do i need to get better grades? do more chores around the house? clean my room more often?

"baby sit down with us." mom places her hand gently on the table. i don't really want to. i think of something quick to get me out of this situation. "i'm going to play basketball with jacob if that's okay. this wasn't a conversation i was supposed to hear." i linger waiting for their approval.

"yes you can," my dad walks up to me. "you're perfectly fine, don't worry about any of this okay?" he kisses my forehead. "sure." i walk to the backyard to grab my basketball and i make my way out of the house.

god that was so weird. why am i weird? why are my parents so weird?

i stand on the porch with my basketball and i look around. i pull out my phone and text jacob to meet me at the park. he replies fast.

i sigh and bounce the ball as i start walking.

i'm trying to shut my thoughts out but it's impossible.

"you're perfectly fine."

"ugh!" i throw the basketball as far as i could and quickly regret it. it just keeps bouncing farther and farther away from me. if anything, i'm going to grow up with anger issues.

i sulk as i walk to get my ball. it ended up at the end of the cul-de-sac. i pick it up and see a car approaching me. i pay no attention to it until it keeps coming so i start to walk back to the sidewalk. the window rolls down and for a second i feel like my heart stopped.

"that throw was full of teen angst."

i drop the ball and run up to the car. mason gets out of the car and i attack him with a hug. "please tell me i'm not dreaming." i squeeze him. "someone missed me." he hugs back.

now i'm really really happy.

i let go and look at him. "i missed you so much!" i say so excited i could scream. "i missed you too. where are you off to?" he asks picking up my basketball. "the park to play ball with jacob. want to join?" i point towards the park, not that far from us. "and watch you guys make out? no thanks."

"shh, that was a one time thing!" i whisper and look around hoping jacob was nowhere around us. "right. i'm going to say hi to your parents then after... want to get milkshakes and fries?" mason winks at the end. "you already know i do." i smile.

milkshakes and fries became mason and i's thing when i turned six. every time he comes out here he plans something fun to do.

"see you in a little bit. don't make out too much." he hugs me again and we do our handshake. "don't make me regret telling you." i laugh and walk back to the sidewalk. i wave until he drives away finding parking.

i jog over to the park and see jacob by the courts. "hey sorry it took me a while. mason came out of nowhere while i was walking." i say out of breath from the quick run.

"mason? he's back?" jacob asks. "i wish, he's just visiting probably." i start bouncing the ball not even wanting to play basketball anymore. "why did you want to play right now?" he asked stealing the ball from me.

i almost forgot why i came out here. "i needed to escape my parents." i stand there watching him pretend there's people trying to block him. he aims, shoots and scores.

"alright, let's play." he throws the ball at me.

"can i be a girl right now and just complain to you?" i catch it and hold it. "you know you can. not that i'm complaining but why didn't you just call ella or zoë for that? aren't they your best girl friends?" i smile at that.

"yeah but you're different. you understand better." i say with a small smile. he puts his arm around me and we walk to the grass and sit down. "do you think i'm perfect?" i ask. "yes." he answers immediately. i roll my eyes.

"do you think i'm a good daughter?" i ask another question. "i think you're too good of a daughter. my mom would love it if i acted like you. why?" i lay down and look at the sky.

"my parents were talking about me and i eavesdropped. my mom thinks i'm going to grow up with issues. i don't know why they can't treat me like a normal kid. i feel like a test dummy." i cross my arms.

"our parents are just trying to make sure we don't end up like them. they want better for us or something. they don't want us to make the same mistakes." jacob makes me sit up. that makes sense i guess.

"well they're not doing a good job, we're already fucked up." i say and j's eyes go big. "woah, that's the first time i've heard you cuss. i like it, say something else."

i push him away from me. sometimes i forget jacob is a boy until he does stupid boy things.

"i'm not talking to you anymore." i smile and look at the trees. "do you feel better?" jacob puts his hand on my shoulder. "no not really. you helped with nothing." i say not lying. "i know what can make you feel better." i look at him, he leans in and tries to kiss me.

"ugh no! that was one time." i move his face away with my hand. "one time? you're telling me you haven't thought about it?" i frown.

i have... a little bit.

maybe a lot.

"you're being such a guy right now." i just shake my head. "sorry i am a guy?" he looks at me with a confused face. he does look good right now. i lay back in the grass but this time so does j.

"i wish we were older." his face is close to mine. i can see every detail of his face. "why?" i ask. "so i can kiss you without things being weird."

i sigh and think of an older jacob and an older me. i wonder if we get cuter. i wonder if things will get less weird. things aren't even weird now, i just feel like i'm too young to like someone.

"this is our last and final kiss until we're older." i sit up and he does the same. i hold his face and kiss him. only once. "until we're older?" he looks into my eyes. "until we're older." i confirm. "okay." he kisses me again then gets up. "i can wait. let's play?" he walks back to the court. "yeah. let's play."