forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

bri
there wasn't a bright light. there wasn't a big gate with the word 'heaven' engraved on it. everything was dark. pitch black. i was here but i wasn't. was this death? i couldn't feel anything. if i wasn't in heaven then was i in hell? there wasn't a huge fire pit with demons. maybe i was in a coma.

no. i had to be dead. out of nowhere, my hands appeared as i looked down. i was here. my body was here, in the darkness. i felt warm. then out of the darkness came light in the shape of a circle. it shined bright, it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust to it. the most beautiful flowers started to bloom around it. the light started to expand. more flowers grew and there was a sound i could not describe. it was beautiful. warm and welcoming. it was pulling me. so it is real? heaven.

i took a step forward and everything enhanced. the colors of the flowers became more vibrant than ever. there was an overwhelming  feeling of peace and happiness. it was so intense that i started to cry. tears of happiness. i felt free in a way i never did. i took another step towards it. the closer i got, the warmer i felt. the more it expanded. i was almost there. almost.

butterflies flew around me landing on my arms and shoulders. i wasn't me anymore. i didn't know who brianna was. i let myself get pulled by this calming but intense vibration. almost there. i was feeling everything all at once. i felt euphoric... ethereal almost.

the feeling started to go away. something told me to turn around and i did. i frowned when i saw her standing there. my daughter. i had completely forgotten. she stood there staring. "mommy?" she said like always. i walked towards her.

the feeling came back stronger than ever. so strong it turned me back around. all i had to do was reach, it was calling me. but so was she. i looked behind me to see her still standing. "don't leave me." i stopped. everything came back. i'm brianna. i'm a mother. i can't leave her.

i knew i was already dead but if i followed the vibration, i'd truly be gone. i wouldn't see her anymore. she would grow up without a mother. it will break her.

i ignored the light and walked to her. i was being pulled harder by the vibration. the sound got louder. eternal bliss wanted me. i could be safe there. happy. i would be free from the adversities of life. i was caught in between. i reached out for her wishing she would run up to me. but this wasn't her decision, it was mine. i wanted to let go so bad. to surrender to the light. if i looked in that direction, i would've. i kept my eyes on her to avoid temptation.

this was dying.

her hand slowly rised. almost.

i watched as our fingers touched. everything changed from there.

everything disappeared. i disappeared.

but i was back into the world. or at least i think i was. i could feel my heartbeat. i was in my body again. it was the most depressing feeling ever. i can hear again. it sounded like i was in the hospital.

so i chose to live?

i was alive?

i heard the talk of nurses exchanging news. i was being touched all over. if i was alive now i needed to wake up. to open my eyes. i told myself to wake u-

i slowly opened my eyes. i was sitting up slightly in the hospital bed. i was feeling stiff. i could barely move my head. i looked to my right and locked eyes with parker. the sudden eye contact made me jump. "she's awake! she's up! call the nurse!" he jumped to his feet alerting the others.

my mother, my father, each and every one of my friends were there sitting. mason, liam, maddy, noah.

what the fuck.