forever my baby

𝐭𝐰𝐨

"just take a deep breath. i'm right here. everything's going to be okay." mason tries to reassure me. it's not working, he's just making me want to rip his head off. i scream louder. i'm in so much pain... and i thought my period cramps were bad. i was wrong, very wrong. pushing out a baby hurts way more. i feel like i'm going to die. i just wanted her out. "you're almost there." masons voice fades. all i see are blurry doctors and bright lights. is this how i die? no way i wasn't going to die. i can't die. having a natural birth with no medicine sounded like a good idea until it was actually time to give birth! it was too late anyways. according to the doctor looking at my vagina, her head was out. that was all the motivation i needed. so i pushed as hard as i could until i felt her leave my body. i don't think i've ever screamed that loud before in my life. i feel bad for mason's hand. i was squeezing it the whole time. i wanted to see her but my body is so tired, i started to close my eyes. mason must've thought i was dying because he shook me really hard making me wake back up. i give him my famous death glare. i hear her cry and everything around me stopped. i was no longer tired, i wanted to see her. "can i see my baby? let me see my baby." i try to sit up. the doctors hands me her has soon as they dried her off. of course, i start crying. i just had a baby. "mason, i did it. i had a baby." i look at him. he looked so happy. this is so surreal. "yes you did, i'm so proud of you." her little cries make me so happy. i'm a mother. "do we have a name for the little princess?" the nice labor and delivery nurse asks us. i was so sure that i was going to have a boy that i only came up with one girl name. i look at my baby then at mason. "madeline." we say in unison.

"how do you feel at the moment?" my therapist, liam, asks. i knew he was going to ask me this question. "i'm great. i feel fine. i have my baby and my boyfriend. what more could i ask for? i'm happy." i respond with a smile.

"are you trying to convince yourself or me?" his brow raises. shit. defeated, i slouch back in my chair. i feel it, the tears. i swear to god i've become the world's biggest crybaby. "i'm going to ask you again. how do you feel at the moment?"

a tear rolls down my cheek as i play with my fingers. "i feel... bad. i feel like i'm always going to be reminded of him, of everything he's put me through. i find myself staring at nothing and all of a sudden i'm hit with a full blown flashback of us. i hate it. i hate him."

i let the tears flow. "things like this take time to heal. you can't expect to get over your first love so fast. you're still so young, you're twenty. it's totally normal for you to feel this way," he says and i roll my eyes. "happy belated by the way." liam smiles. i laugh. "thanks...it's been three years. my whole life has changed in the matter of three years. i should be over him. i shouldn't keep having flashbacks and he shouldn't be showing up at my doorstep asking to see maddy."

"you have full custody of her am i correct?" he asks. "i do but he still has visitation rights." i wipe my face. "so legally it's okay for him to see her." this conversation makes me a little angry. "i don't want him to see her. he doesn't deserve to see her, he left us. he didn't even want her." my fists bawl up.

i really wish i never met parker. i wish he never sat next to me the first day of class. i wish he went for another girl. i wish he left me and my friends alone.

"maybe he realized that he needed to be there for you and his daughter. you have every right to be upset with him, the boy you loved left you to be a single mother and a teen mother at that," he writes something down. "if it's alright with you, can you tell me more about your relationship after he found out you were pregnant?"

i freeze as my brain puts together what he's asking. once again, i zone out and start to have a flashback.

"please open the door bri i'm fucking serious." he bangs on the front door. "go away parker i don't want to see you." i stand on the other side of the door crying. i look down at my baby bump. fuck i really needed to stay calm, i cannot stress my baby out. i started to breathe in and out calmly. "i don't fucking care, open the door!" i'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood could hear him. "i'm leaving now." i say looking at our black door. there was silence. no more yelling and no more banging. i walk away from the door, finally he left. i breathe in for a few seconds then out. i feel him kick and i lift my shirt to see if i could catch him in action. "i'm so sorry baby. i'll stop crying." i whisper. i hear my back door open and see parker coming into my living room. i quickly put my shirt down. "don't make me call my dad or noah." i try to walk away from him but he continues to walk towards me. "just listen to me. i want to be here for you, i want to get back together. i love you so much." he tries to touch me. "no! i hate you! i don't ever want to see you again." i push his hands away. "you don't mean that. you know you want to get back together." parker puts his hands on my face. "get off of me!" i push him. "you left me. not the other way around. you need to leave." i turn around getting ready to open the front door. he grabs my arm and pulls me back. i look at him completely shocked. "let go of me parker!" i fight to release his grip but it got stronger. i cry even more. "parker you're hurting me let go!" at this point i'm desperately screaming. "take me back baby please! things can go back to the way they used to be. remember?" he kisses me out of nowhere. i bite his lip and he lets go of me. "i swear to god if you ever kiss me again or grab me like that i'll get a restraining order. go now parker!" i open the door. he storms out of my house and i lock it as fast as possible. i run to my back door and lock that one too. i can feel myself starting to hyperventilate. i need to control my breathing for the sake of my baby boy. i pull my phone out of my pocket and i call my brother. he answers immediately. "i-i need help please come home." i can't stop freaking out. he yells that he's on his way and i sit on the floor trying to breathe.