Apex [h.s]

chapter twenty five

Song: Re: Stacks, Bon Iver

What has brought me to this loss?

Frankie Doyle

September

I don't know how I got here...

I don't know what I'm feeling...

I think my brain was trying to process too many thoughts and emotions that it simply decided to give up.

Now there's just this nothingness.

They say that guilt is an important emotion. It steers regret and allows us to change our actions to ensure that a behaviour isn't repeated.

But in my case, there isn't going to be a next time. I wasn't going to lose my mother more than once.

That didn't stop the guilt flowing through my veins, sticking to me like a fucking leech. Out of everything that I was feeling, all the emotions that were overwhelming me, the only thing that I could pin point was guilt.

The relationship that I used to have with my mother was amazing. She was my best friend, my number one supporter. She was the one person I knew that I could always be one hundred percent honest with, and she always gave me the advice I needed it, whether I actually wanted it or not. Not only was she straight forward, determined and motivated, she was beautiful and exceptionally kind.

When everything turned to shit last year with switching racing teams, out of everyone, she hurt me the most.

I knew Benji was going to have a fit and I knew my dad was going to be skeptical, but the one thing I didn't anticipate was my mother's weariness.

I thought she was going to be there, front row, but she wasn't. Not for a little while at least...

When she realised that she had messed up, when she knew just how badly she had hurt me, I didn't forgive her. I held on to that resentment for a long time. I simply couldn't comprehend how she wasn't there for me in the start, when I needed her most.

It took me a long time to come around to the idea of us being what we used to be. She had broken my trust, the faith I had in her.

With all the challenges that I've faced in my life, I'm not one to trust easy. When you break my trust, most people could never earn it back...

But I guess family is different...

It took months before I started to feel at home around her again. It took months before I agreed to spend time with her. And now, I have a matter of weeks...

That's where the guilt comes in.

If I had gotten over myself and my selfish emotions, I could've had more time with her. It's my own fault that I'm going to lose my mother and didn't make the most of the time I had when she was healthy.

I could've done more...

I should've done more...

It's because of me and my selfishness that I am going to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

Yesterday I went to see her. I've been seeing her almost every second day since I found out about her diagnosis a couple of weeks ago.

I needed to make up for the time I had lost.

Yesterday was the first day that she hadn't been able to get out of bed.

I could tell on her face that even with her medication, she was in pain. It absolutely killed me when she tried to smile. I could see it in her eyes...just how much she was hurting.