Apex [h.s]

chapter seventy two

Song: Need You Now, Dean Lewis

All that I need is a sweet escape

Frankie Doyle

September

My phone rang for the third time and for the third time, I let it send itself to voicemail.

I know that Kai was worried, but I couldn't face anyone today. I knew he would hear my voice, ask me what was wrong and I would start crying again.

I'm so sick of crying.

You would think that this day would get easier with every year that passed. I wish it got easier. Yet there I was, sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket as I stared out of my window to the street below. I couldn't tell you the last time that I moved...

A knock at the door snapped my attention.

"Snickers? Are you home? What's going on?" Kai's voice rang, slightly muffled by the wooden barrier.

I stayed quiet.

"Frankie, please let me in," he sighed.

I closed my eyes as I felt them glass over. This wasn't fair to him, but I just didn't have the energy.

"I'll be at home all day. If you need me, please come over," he said gently, before I heard his footsteps move away.

I wish this didn't hurt so fucking much.

Thoughts and memories were overwhelming me. In the silence, they were screaming.

The white walls of my apartment became a projection screen, broadcasting everything. Every happy and sad moment we ever shared.

They were closing in on me...

I couldn't think...

I couldn't breathe...

I needed to get out.

I stood up, throwing on my trainers. I couldn't have cared less that I was wearing tiny bike shorts and an old oversized shirt; or that my hair was in a low bun that resembled a birds nest.

I left my phone in it's place on the coffee table, only grabbing my keys as I silently made my way out of the apartment. I didn't want Kai or Mitch to hear the door close, then come out and follow me.

I wanted to be alone.

My chest felt tight, strangled with emotion as I walked. I wasn't exactly sure where I was going, but I needed to be somewhere open, somewhere that I could breathe.

The spring wind had picked up, making goosebumps rise up on my exposed arms. I slowly ran my hands over them, trying to create warmth from the friction. It felt nice to feel something that was outside of my own mind. It was distracting.

My mind wasn't following my feet. I paid no attention to where I was going until I found myself at the waters edge. Somehow I always ended up at the water. It called me, pulled me towards it, like I was tethered to it by a rope.

The water in the pond was moving aggressively with the wind. Watching it felt like a visual representation of my mind. It was grey and moody as it reflected the colour of the sky. It moved so harshly as the wind fought against its surface. I couldn't describe in words how I was feeling, but I could see it.

I sat down on the grass. It was the same place I had been a few days ago. I was happy then; things felt like they were falling into place.

Now I was a mess.