Bleeding Love

Chapter 18

Sophia

Pain is all I feel. There is not one inch in my body that was not aching with the aftermaths of last night. Not even the hot water dripping from the shower was soothing me right now. Last night gave me so many new aching bruises and it also made the marks from the night before hurt so much more. 

For the first time I am in the need of painkillers, though I have been through enough pain in my life and never the painkillers were available for me but today I wished if I could have one. I don't know where are they and also if I am allowed to have one. Marc never allowed me, I doubt Don will. 

I dressed in another full length maxi dress with full sleeves to cover up the red, purple bruises all over. It was a black dress with white flowers printed on it with teal green leaves. The dress serves its purpose of covering most of my skin as it had a concealed zip closure, attached lining, flared hem and it came with a lace belt. The material was cotton mix hence it was not hurting my skin but the neck, the neck was not turtle neck hence the marks of his bites and his imprints from the way he gripped my throat neck were quite visible. Now the back was taken care by my long hair but for the front I need something to hide his bite marks. Since I cannot use makeup, because I have no interest in triggering him again. I had enough of him for now. So I shuffled the closet and found a multicolor Ombre dyed chiffon scarf. I wrapped the scarf around my neck over the imprints of his finger left from him gripping my throat.

I was sitting in the garden too tired to do anything or talk to anyone. I didn't want to speak with even Alysia or Caprice that's why I didn't go for breakfast, for one I was angry at them because they said it would be alright if I went out. They said he won't get angry but he got angry. So angry. I was angry at myself too for why I listened to them and went. I haven't went out like this in six years why I had to go now.  

I wanted to scream and cry but I was too tired to even cry. I sighed taking a sip of my hot coffee sitting in the shack watching the birds flying in the sky. I thought how it feels to be free like this. A blue jay came down and sat on the rock in front of me. It was so pretty and it was making this whistle sound. Looking at it a smile formed on my lips. I stretched my hand towards it trying to make it sit on my palm but it flew away. I looked at the little bird flying, it is so small yet is free. I wonder if I could ever be free like it. I wonder how it feel to be able to walk out from the place you do not want to be in. 

My mind went to the day he took me out for dinner. He said I could make this house my home or my cage. I do not want a cage, I want to be free. I want a home.  But how? How am I supposed to make it a home when I am a gift given to the owner of this house for his pleasure. I want the life my mom had with my dad. I want my family, my home where I can be free. Free to go out with my friends if I want to, free to use as much make up as I want, free to tie my hair if I want to. I know how petty these things sounds. I know I am not confined to a cell and at least have the pleasure of feeling the sunlight on my skin. I can feel the cool breeze flowing my hair, I have the most lavish closet I could imagine and I should be grateful for what I have and trust me I am. The only thing my past has taught me was to be grateful for even the smallest of things. They say the best things are always free, but no nothing is free the food, the air, the water nothing is free. That's why I know that no matter how much he showers me with all materialistic things they are not mine. This is the price he is paying to keep his toy beautiful enough for him. And I don't want this, any of this. Not this big mansion, not these expensive dresses, not this crystal necklace that he gave me. My hand reached to my neck I felt so trapped touching it. 

I want something that is mine. Just mine. Even if it is a smallest thing. Even if it just a coffee mug I thought as I looked at the mug I am holding. Nothing here is mine. I kept the mug aside and sighed as I leaned my head on the shack pillar.