Through The Storm

42

{ TW: self harm, depression, panic attack/ depressive episode, mention of ED }

Estella

And so it begins. I run to my room, quick to lock the door behind me. I go into the drawer of my nightstand and grab my lighter, completely giving in to the thoughts. As I light the flame of the only thing that's stuck by me for so long, I bring it to the pale skin on my thighs. The top of my thighs littered with every mistake I've ever made, every regret I've ever had, every demon I've ever fought. The burning soothes me, comforts me in a way I crave.

The flames are beautiful as they burn through the layers of skin and burn off the prickles of hair left behind. It's mesmerizing, watching something so harmful yet feeling such contempt. This pushes all the pain away, causes me to forget everything just for a second. Just for a second I can feel something other than the emotional exhaustion of being me. Just for a second I can feel as though I'm serving justice; punishing myself. But it's not enough.

That pain inside me, that feeling of nothingness— it's asking for more. The thoughts are flying around my head, hitting every part of my brain with questions and insults. I can no longer breathe. I can no longer hold the lighter to my skin, I can't move anymore.

The lighter falls from my grasp, hitting the floor with a quiet thud. Frozen in place, I am aware of every part of me right now. I am laid out completely naked for my mind to dig apart. My breaths become faster, I can hear the rapid beating of my heart as my tears struggle to catch up with the pace of my thoughts. My body and mind completely disagree, it's as if I'm watching from outside of myself.

I can see my body, lying there against the wall staring into nothing. I can see my eyes fluttering from side to side, pupils dilated, cheeks puffy from the crying. Yet I can't command myself to do anything, I'm stuck watching from the outside. Stuck as a passenger in my own head.

It's never gotten this bad, I've never had it this awful. Normally I'd be burning for a few minutes and have some type of breakdown and then pull myself together. But this is different. I'm calm, I can feel the pain, in fact I think I'm welcoming it. I can see my body's reaction, the way I freeze up and zone out. This is entirely the opposite of usual, the frantic pacing and burning as tears stream down my face compared to this; the freeze frame in front of me.

And suddenly I'm pulled back. I'm back in my body, using my own eyes to stare at the wall. And although I'm still in the least bit of control, I muster the energy to get up. I walk calmly to the bathroom and quietly turn on the shower. I strip off my clothes, continuing to keep a straight face as I climb into the hot water.

Sitting on the floor of my shower, I dig my nails as deep as I can into my skin. Looking down to see the fresh streams of blood running from my lower rib cage. Then I move to my thighs and repeat the action, allowing the hot water to sting each cut and mark in the best way possible.

This feels more normal, this feels like the mix of chaos and comfort I look for in these moments. In these battles of my mind where I shake and seethe uncontrollably, I always come to accept the pain. The pain that in some way holds more sentiment to me than anyone ever has.

Pain is funny that way. You go your entire life avoiding the scrapes and cuts, trying to stay away from the boys who will break your heart. Yet it's also the one emotion that causes you to come back to reality, your one connection to yourself. I was never one to welcome pain, I never enjoyed the panic attacks or the self harm. I didn't enjoy my eating disorder, or rehab for that matter. But the one thing that I always have and always will enjoy is the aftermath, the realization of what has happened. The realization that I am still in control of who or what hurts me. That's what pain is about right? Taking back control?

The water combs over my body like a wave of fire, I've turned it way hotter than a normal shower. But once again I find peace in the fact that this beautiful water is burning me in a way I deserve. I deserve the nail marks, the bruises and scrapes of life. I deserve the burns and scratches that are on this very body, the scars I've created, because that's who I am. One thing I can always pride myself on is my honesty, and that means owning up to what I deserve. Because maybe- well.

Maybe if I wasn't so pretentious, or maybe if I didn't care for people more than I should. Maybe if I was smarter or prettier, maybe if I was the girl he wanted. Maybe if I could be his salvation, if I could show everyone that I'm not the fool they think. Maybe if I had been there for my sister, maybe if I had watched my brother that night or looked harder for him. Maybe if I hadn't fallen for Cade or for David. Maybe if I didn't develop an eating disorder as soon as my sister got better, maybe if I didn't burden my mother with that stress. Maybe if I was better; then I wouldn't need the pain to keep me alive. I would be able to live without it.

I stand up and turn off the water, scared to face my reflection when I pull back this curtain. I've never loved my features, but somehow I'd come to love the way he loved them. The way he used to at least. Am I really this attached to him? Or am I just sad yet another person has deemed me as unworthy as I see myself. Yet another person, even one as fucked up as Cade, has decided I'm too much.

I pull back the curtain, stepping out with my head faced down, staring at the floor and refusing to make eye contact with that girl in the mirror. That girl who I know would stare back at me in disappointment. Because that innocent little Estella is somewhere in there, somewhere in me— and she hates what she sees. But we have that in common I guess, because now? So do I.

~~

[ okay I just wanna make clear: this isn't all because Cade left lol, this is a lot of past problems being brought up into her mind triggered by him leaving.

Anyway though omg thank you so so much for the comments!! I am so excited to see people interact with the story and be as into these characters as I am. I love you guys, like seriously! Also I cannot wait for the next few chapters because oh my god they get good! I haven't written them yet buttttt I know where they're headed!! Much love <3 ]