Being Good Enough

Chapter 4

My neck started to cramp after 30 minutes of sitting in the same position. I was scared that if I moved, I would touch Chris. Ok, I sound really stupid right now. Chris is a normal human being. Why am I acting so ridiculous around him? If there was any chance of us becoming friends, I need to start being less tense around him. I don't think that'll happen, though. My palms are sweaty just from sitting next to Chris. No way, could I survive actually interacting with him on a normal/daily basis.

"Chris?" I called his name. He replied back with a "hmm" noise.

"The movie is boring, do we have to keep watching?" I know I said I didn't want to be picky, but the movie was honestly not at all interesting. I looked at him and saw that he was doing something on his phone, not paying attention to the movie either.

Chris paused the movie then turned his eyes onto me, looking bored. "So, whataya wanna do?" By the tone of his voice, I could tell he didn't really care what I wanted to do. But considering that Chris seemed to not be taking a liking to me, this might be one of the only times, I'd actually get to talk to him alone. I was definitely going to take advantage of that.

"Um, why did you guys move here?" Yeah, it wasn't an interesting question but still, any talk is better than silence.

"My dads job," Chris replied dully.

"Do you like it here?"

"Yeah."

I was getting a little frustrated by his basic answers. His mood changed so rapidly! At school this morning he was nice enough to pick up my bag. When I went to his house, after school and at dinner, he was pretty rude. Then, he was polite enough to let me sit by him instead of on the chair. But now he was being cold towards me once again. It was clear he didn't want to speak, so I sat silently. It was a good 5 minutes before he spoke up.

"Where your parents at?"

Before, I was sitting slouched but now I sat up. Where did that question come from? My mouth opened in order to answer but no words came out. Should I tell him the truth? My brain was saying no. The relationship I had with parents and the situation as a whole was something I kept very private. I'd never even told Mary the whole story. If I couldn't even open up to my best friend, there was no way I would tell Chris, someone I barely knew, something so personal.

"They're on a trip." It was a terrible lie, I know. Chris also knew.

"Really? On a trip, where? For what?"

"For business."

"Khadijah, you can't lie for shit," he laughed.

I sucked my teeth in annoyance, "I'm not even lying!"

"Is it that bad?"

No attempts were made to reply back to Chris. Yes, it was that bad. Knowing you weren't good enough for your own flesh and blood was dejecting. Knowing that they didn't care for you was heartbreaking. The worst part though, was the experiences. I would never have my mom meet my first boyfriend. I'll never go shopping for a wedding dress with her. She won't be able to meet her grandchildren. Sometimes, I cried because I missed her. And other times, I held nothing but hatred in my heart for both my parents but especially my mother. It wasn't fair.

I bowed my head so Chris couldn't see my face. My lip was going to start bleeding from how hard I was biting to make sure no tears fell down my face. The last thing I wanted to happen was for me to burst out wailing like a little baby. My parents didn't deserve my tears. The bed shook and creaked a bit as a movement was made. Chris sat on the edge of the bed right next to me.

"Are you crying?" He questioned. I swayed my head back and forth vigorously. I blinked rapidly to make the extra liquid in my eyes go away.

"No, I'm okay see," I pointed at my face to try and prove my statement. Unexpectedly, Chris wrapped an arm around my shoulder and brought me closer to his chest. He smelled great and was warm as hell.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Its okay, you smell good."

Chris's deep laughter filled my ear. I began to blush because that was a stupid thing to say. At least, he thought it was funny. I guess, he wasn't annoyed by me anymore? So, he was back to being nice? I hope so. Chris's touch comforted me. I was content in his arms.

I shocked myself by turning slightly, then wrapping both of my arms around Chris's torso. Usually, i'm pretty awkward and get stiff when someone is hugging me. But not with him. Chris responded by putting his other arm across my back, squeezing me a bit. This moment was perfect!

We sat in that position silently for maybe 2 minutes. The silence wasn't awkward, though. Our perfect moment got interrupted by a knock and the door swiftly opening. Mama J and Clinton were standing there. Both Chris and I jumped and separated within seconds, but I think they still saw us together.

"Chris, its 9. We're heading out to see Lytrell," Clinton said.

"Oh, its already 9? I should get home. Thank you so much for the food!" I said

"No problem honey. Chris, walk her home," I silently thanked Mama J for giving me a few more moments to spend with Chris.

I put on my shoes before all 4 of us went downstairs and eventually outside. I waved goodbye at Chris's parents got in their car and drove away. Chris and I walked the 5 minute walk to my house not saying anything. We arrived at my apartment building. Chris attempted to walk inside with me but I stopped him. My apartment was extremely small and ugly compared to Chris's home. Of course, I don't want him to see it!

"Um, its okay, you don't have to go inside. Thanks for walking me. Oh, and thanks for the um. .for the hug," I said awkwardly. I wanted to thank him for caring since I was upset but I'm not really sure how to word it.

"Yeah, no problem. Bye." Chris opened his arms and I gladly stepped into them for a hug. We pulled apart after a few seconds, and I walked inside.

Once I got up the steps, I looked outside the window to see Chris still standing there. I waved at him, he waved back, then he went home. Aw, he waited 'till he knew I was safe. That was cute!

I headed to my apartment. Inside was quiet, since Grandma was sleeping. I checked inside the room to make sure she was okay. After doing that, I went and laid down on the couch, not taking of my shoes or anything.

Today was a great day, I spent most of it with Chris! I know I said I couldn't/shouldn't like him because Mary does, but he's just so sweet, and cute I can't help it. I'm just not going to tell her. It would make things awkward which is the last thing I want. I won't be telling her of how I spent time with Chris today. Something about the event made it so. . .intimate. Crying and showing emotion is general isn't something I did in front of others often. I want the memory to be just between Chris and I. Does that make me a bad friend?