Sissy Boy (ManxBoyxBoy) ⎰⛑⎰

60. ∂уиαмιzαтισи

~The world is a scary place when you're facing it alone.~

P U Z Z L E

I sighed deeply and glance around my room, reaching for my bong and packing a bowl. I had enough left for a few days, maybe a week... but it was almost time to go back and get more. I wondered if Ash was going to tag along like they had last time. I really enjoyed being around them, it was fun to escape this place for a while and having them with me really made me happier. I took a hit on my bong, inhaling deeply and holding it. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I exhaled, after counting exactly to five.

I sucked in a deep breath and gave myself a moment for my lungs to relax before I repacked the bowl and did it again. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... I exhaled. I frowned a little, frustrated at myself for exhaling that time, I'd really wanted to hold it longer. I really doubted I could have held it until ten though, so it's probably for the best. I hated that my brain wouldn't let me smoke normally. I wasn't sure when that'd even started, but it was a while ago. I figured I should probably go back to the doctor and see what my psychologist has to say about it, but he's going to want to talk about my mom and I really didn't want to tackle that yet.

I wasn't exactly running from it, but I definitely didn't want to face the reality that my mom would probably be in there for at least a few years, if not the rest of her life and I would be alone. Except for Blake, who was her best friend for years. I had known Blake my whole life growing up and he was a better father to me than my own father had been. It was weird to live with him, though. He's not as strict as he used to be, that's for sure.

I remember when we'd gone to visit him and how neat everything was. I absolutely loved Blake's house, I never felt like my skin was crawling there. My mother's house was definitely not as orderly or clean as Blake's and it was very chaotic. I loved the peace that came with a trip to Blake's. My mother would drop me off randomly for stretches of time and I absolutely loved it. The older we both got, and the worse her schizophrenia got, the less I got to leave. I had to drop out of school because she was unable to stay home alone all day, and it was hell. I never got a chance to be free.

I realized pretty early on that I was being heavily effected by her mental illnesses, mainly manifesting in severe depression and anxiety, and OCD. My life was extremely chaotic, so I tried to control the chaos the best way I could. You never think when you're a kid that your parents would be the reason you can't succeed.  I could have stayed in school, but it would've meant going into the foster system and I didn't want that. I wanted my mom to be okay, so I did what I had to. Now, I just feel like I delayed the inevitable while ruining my own life.

I wanted to call her, and tell her how I feel, but I don't feel like it's right for me to do that. It's hardly fair to blame her for everything that I did willingly. I knew what I was doing, so why am I so angry with her?

I sighed again, thinking about Ash. Their eyes are really pretty, a light green color with just the slightest flecks of gold in them. Their smile is really nice as well, I love when they smile at me. It's sort of warming, to know that I can make someone so perfect smile. I smiled a little, thinking back to when they'd slept beside me a couple of days before. It was amazing to spend the night with them, and hear them talk about everything. I loved to hear Ash's voice, it was soft but somehow heavy, like a song.

Ash spoke in a way that made it impossible not to like them. I wasn't typically a person who really considered dating in general, but Ash made it feel right. I wasn't really sure what we were, but I knew that I loved it. Whatever we are, is great. I loved every moment of time I spent with them.

A knock at my bedroom door alerted me to someone being at the door and my heart jumped a little in excitement. Usually Blake left me alone, so unless it's about my mom it's Ash. I got up, sitting my bong on the bedside table and walked around the bed, going to the door and opening it up. I smiled when I saw Ash's blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, and a short pair of shorts with a tied band tee I was pretty sure was Blake's. "Hey, wanna go to the park?" Ash asked, and I nodded my head.