Sissy Boy (ManxBoyxBoy) ⎰⛑⎰

50. ¢σммυиι¢αтισи

~You are a melody, you make my heart beat in time with yours, you make my breath shallow and my mind race. You make me melt, you make me weak.~

A S H T O N

Blake and I hung out all day. He took me to the doctors and I had my check up. I'm almost completely healed, and that meant that Blake and I only have another week of soft sex. I'm super excited to get back to that aspect of our relationship. I felt like we hadn't been the same since we were not able to have the intimacy of sex. Though most of that was my head playing with me, because we loved each other... it was just different.

When we first got together our relationship was so sexually charged that we didn't have time to really get to know each other. It was okay, but having a deeper connection seemed like a better option. I want to be with Blake forever, so it is entirely necessary for me to get to know him better.

Since getting off of the pills, I have felt less... uncertain about everything. My mind no longer felt like a black hole that was encompassing me. I no longer was attacked by my thoughts. At least, not as bad as before.

It's a struggle, but knowing that I have people I can talk to really helps me feel... safer, I guess. I have been off of the pills for two weeks, and while I still crave them a lot, I can manage it. It's not an easy feat, but I'm doing it. I know that life on the pills isn't my best life, as I'm endangering myself every time I take one.

I am so lucky to have Blake, who has supported me through everything. He's been so open and honest with me, given me anything I could ever want. He is still supporting me, even now. I'm also lucky to have Puzzle, because he's a great friend. He gives me a different kind of support, I don't really know how to describe it. I don't feel like he's going to hate me if I make a mistake. Blake has never done anything to make me think he would either, but it was harder to talk to him for me. I cared so much about his opinion that it made me scared to talk to him.

He is so understanding, so I don't really know why I'm so scared to bring up hard things to him. I had tossed the idea around that it's because of my parents, but I am trying so hard to move past them that I don't want to think about them causing me any mental damage. I just want them out of my life. I've thought about leaving town completely, and making a new life somewhere else. Only reason I don't is because of Blake and now Puzzle. I didn't want to leave either of them behind here, so I stayed here.

Albeit a bit unhappily, because of the reminders of my childhood. I didn't even have a horrible childhood, it was just... very sheltered. I felt ashamed of who I was the entire time I was alive. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel ashamed for one thing or another. But, maybe one day at least Blake and I can move away. Maybe to Alaska, I'd love it there. 

I hate and love the cold, but Alaska looks so beautiful in pictures. And they pay you to live there, I think. I don't know for sure, but maybe???? And you're isolated away from the outside world. You don't have to worry about people looking at you and judging you, because you're far enough away from everyone that there isn't really anyone around to see you.

"You ready to get some lunch?" Blake asked me, and I glanced over at him and nodded, smiling a bit. "What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"Do you think one day we could move to Alaska?" I asked, and he raised an eyebrow. "I know it's kinda insane and random, but I'm not talking about right now. I just like the idea of the solitude." 

"We can definitely talk about it." He said, and I smiled. "Though I think you'll need to gain some weight to survive in the freezing cold temperatures, darling."

"I do not!" I huffed, and shook my head. "I'd be fine. Besides, I never said I'd go outside."

"You do not want to stay in the house for too long, you can develop serious mental complications from that." He said, just when I was going to pop out a retort, he chuckled. "It's called agoraphobia. If you isolate yourself for too long, you become afraid of the outside world. It's a complex disorder of anxiety in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape.  Situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home, and it's hard to get over it."