Sissy Boy (ManxBoyxBoy) ⎰⛑⎰

69. α¢¢ℓιмιѕαтισи

~I finally had hope for brighter days, for a future with someone who cares as much about me as I care about them. I finally was able to say that, for once in my life, I actually belonged somewhere.~

P U Z Z L E

I was dead by the time that Ashton and I got back to the hotel room. We'd be moving to the new house in the morning so it was immensely important that we got some sleep tonight, but I was already dreading it and it wasn't even fully dark yet. I poured myself onto the bed and buried my face in it, feeling immensely sober. My mind was racing, every single thing that entered my head seemed to get stuck inside it, bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

I felt so on edge, so drained, and ready to just cry for hours on end. Sometimes, it feels like the world is collapsing around me. I feel like me, but not at the same time. I feel almost like a shadow, walking around without purpose.

I had been sober all day, I ran out of weed and I hadn't told anyone because I knew that now wasn't a good time. I needed to stay here to watch after Ashton, this whole situation put them in danger and I wasn't okay with leaving them right now. I wanted to protect them from whoever was watching us all. I sighed deeply and glanced over at Ashton, who was brushing their hair in the bathroom mirror.

Once Ash was done brushing their hair, Ash walked over to me and sat down beside me and scooted back onto the bed. "Puzzle are you okay?" Ash's sweet voice asked, and put their hand on my back. I turned my head and looked at Ash and smiled a little bit.

"I'm okay, just really tired today." I said and rolled over and sat up and shook my head. "I'm good." I said.

"Really? Listen, Puzzle, I want to help you and be there for you. You can talk to me." Ash said, and I nodded my head.

"I know I can." I said, and Ash bit their lip and sighed deeply. It wasn't a lie, I knew that I could talk to Ashton. I just was embarrassed. I was use to dealing with everything on my own because I never had people who would listen to me and actually try to help.

"But?" Ash prompted, and I sighed deeply and leaned forward onto the palms of my hands.

"I'm used to dealing with this stuff on my own. No ones ever really noticed anything was wrong but Blake," I said and leaned back on the bed.

"I was use to dealing with stuff on my own when I first got with Blake." Ash said, turning around to face me and putting their legs up to their chest and wrapping their arms around the back of them. "I know that it can be difficult to adjust to talking to people about things that bother you. But, once you start talking it does get easier."

I looked over Ashton and sighed deeply grabbing their hand and pulling them down so they were laying beside me looking into my eyes. I loved Ashton's eyes, they were so comforting and warm. I never doubted that they cared when I looked into their eyes. I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and shut my eyes. I know that Ash is right.

"I just ran out of weed last night." I admitted quietly. "Weed is my medication, it's not just something I do because it's fun. When I don't smoke it, my mental health conditions really take their toll on me." I felt kind of pathetic saying it out loud. I knew that, quite literally, weed was prescribed to me to help me with multiple things.

I have ADHD which makes me incredible high energy and unable to focus. I have CPTSD which makes me very depressed, anxious, and I have nightmares. I also have Scoliosis, which causes me a fair bit of back pain. I have OCD, which makes things really stressful. The only time my mind is quiet is when I'm high. I tried all kinds of medications to help with my ADHD, and medications to treat the symptoms of CPTSD and none of them really worked. I never found a medication mixture that actually worked for me. That's why my Psychologist had prescribed me weed.