Sissy Boy (ManxBoyxBoy) ⎰⛑⎰

64. яєαℓιzαтισи

~Things can be so confusing, so messy. I can't quite keep track of all the things that I'm feeling... but I know that it's what feels right.~

A S H T O N 

I didn't really know what to do with the knowledge that the man I'd grown up knowing as my father wasn't my father. I didn't really know what it meant about me, or how I was supposed to feel. I didn't know if I should call Uncle John and ask him about it, or if I should just never do anything with the information period. I know that my mom says he's my birth father, but at this point can I truly trust a word she's saying? I don't even know her anymore. 

Whenever I look at her, I just see her staring blankly at me as I begged her for her help. Somehow, knowing that he did it to her too didn't make it any better or easier. I didn't understand why she let that happened to me any more than I did before I knew because at least before I knew he was doing it to her too, I could say she never knew it could happen. I could say she was shocked by my dads' violent outburst and was afraid. I can't say that anymore. 

She'd literally said that she knew he'd react badly to me being gay, and she still let him around me. I didn't know what I could believe anymore, and nothing seemed to make sense. Things did seem to be falling into place, but it didn't feel like it was for the better. 

I wasn't sure exactly what I should do, so I did the only thing I felt like I could. I went to Puzzle. And I cried. A lot. 

He held me the entire time, comforting me with his presence and understanding. Blake was flabbergasted by the entire ordeal and he straight up told me he didn't really know what to say about this, that he'd never experienced anything remotely similar and that he really wanted to understand how I felt.  But I knew he couldn't. Not because he didn't care, or want to, but because in order to understand, you had to have some experience with your mother hiding the identity of your true father a secret until you finally break her down. It was something that I knew no one would fully understand, but the closest chance would be Puzzle. 

"I just don't know how to feel, you know? Uncle John... my dads' brother? First of all, she literally lied in the interview. He has a sister and a brother." I said, and he shrugged a little and sighed deeply. 

"Honestly, there's like three guys I could potentially belong to and not a single one of them want a damn thing to do with me." He said and sighed. "I understand the lying, though. My mom lied a lot, not even intentionally. It was just the first thing that came to mind, she'd say." He explained. 

"I don't really know, anymore. Honestly, this is just too much... you know? Like, it's not bad enough that I witnessed our house getting broken into... and they think it's my father that did it... but then my mom just drops this giant bombshell on me and I don't really know how to feel about it." I said. 

"What exactly did she say about it?" He asked. 

"She said 'I'm sorry you had to find out this way.'" I said sarcastically. "I mean, I appreciate the concern, but it's too little too late now I guess," I said and he shrugged a little bit. 

"Ash, I know you're upset but remember, your 'dad' beat you for something you couldn't help... maybe this explains it. You keep asking yourself how your dad could sleep at night after hurting his own child... maybe he knew." Puzzle said. "Maybe he knew you were not his son, biologically. Somehow, in his twisted mind, he decided that because you weren't his son biologically, it didn't matter." 

"It does matter, though," I said, and he nodded. 

"He doesn't seem to be the most stable person you've talked about, though." Puzzle said, and I nodded, shrugging a little bit.