Because I'm a Nerd.

Chapter 18- "Guilty"

Chapter 18- "Guilty"

SCARLETT POV

I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to sleep. For some reason, sleep continues to elude me. I'm a complete mess as I think back to everything that happened in the past few hours. Today was definitely a day when I experienced a lot of emotions. I can't get everything straight. I'm confused and I don't like it.

I don't understand why this happens to me so often. I'm happy, or as happy as I get, and I resolve to be happier and then my day comes crashing down. It's not fair. All my intentions of being truly happy are crushed beyond repair every second or third day. I'm fed up of being so confused. I'm fed up of having so many problems.

I don't know what I feel about today. I mean, I expected Mom to be this way. That doesn't really affect me right now. I didn't expect any courtesy or respect from her, so it doesn't make me sad. Her questions kind of hit me hard, but I suppose it is okay right now. Mom and I were never really that close anyway.

It's what happened with Dad and Nate that kind of bothers me. I never expected this, naturally. It isn't everyday that this happens to someone. I feel cheated on, because Dad, I think, should've been there for Hazel and me. You couldn't have expected anything from Mom; she was far gone. Oliver's death really messed us up, but I don't want to think about it now.

As I turn over to my side and face the wall, I'm also attacked with another, very important question: Has today changed the way I feel about Nathan? My first impulse is to shake my head, forget that I ever thought of it and try to get some sleep. But I know that that is not the case. However insignificant, today has had an impact on my relationship with Nathan. Obviously, I still like him. But there's also this small part inside me that may hate him. And I'm scared of that part taking over.

I also did something completely unexpected today. I did not shake off my hand when Nathan reached for it. I held it back, squeezed his hand and reassured him. I curled up with him on the sofa. We cuddled. And if I am able to have these small, but sort of physically intimate moments with him, I might not hate him. That might just be a phase in lieu of what I've gone through today. I don't know what it is, but I sure hope I continue to like him.

Nathan is a genuinely nice guy and I expect everyone is fed up of hearing that. I don't want to lose him because of something that wasn't in his power at all. Nathan didn't ask Dad to be a father figure to him. Nathan didn't ask Dad to leave Hazel and me alone and be there for him. Dad did it on his own. As of now, I have no idea what I really feel about Nathan, but one thing that I'm sure of is: Dad just shattered any hopes I had of reconciliation.

Before you accuse me of being heartless, let me put it this way:

The only reason that my parents ever did give us for going away like this was the fact that they couldn't stand being around us so soon after Oliver died. Apparently, we reminded them of him constantly. Although that was pretty damn irresponsible in itself, Hazel and I never uttered a word. We supposed that we needed the break too.

And it was up till today that I believed what Dad told us. And if what he said was true, then I have only one question that almost eats me up: Doesn't Nathan bear a stronger resemblance to Oliver than Hazel or me? He does. Then, in that case, Dad most definitely was an irresponsible parent.

I guess I should try and look at this from Dad's point of view as well, but, to be honest, I don't want to. The lesser I see of my parents, I feel, the better it is. I may be able to forgive Dad one day, but I mustn't forget that seeing Dad means meeting Mom too.