The Adventures Of John B : The Sacred Stone

Chapter 36 - Lingering Lament

TOMMIE:

do you ever get a feeling that something terribly bad is about to happen?

because that's what i felt in that moment, an instinct striking fierce in my chest- begging me to run away if i could.

to avoid time altogether and travel back to a lovely past.

to change reality with these puny hands.

to take away the blame of a crime that i never even committed.

but me?

no.

i'll never be enough.

i'm a nobody, invisible to those who don't care to look.

i talk to myself- the only one who can be trusted in a deceiving world, afraid of a time where i will pour my worries out to someone who doesn't even worry about my frail breaths, my feeble existence.  

with people, there's so much to be fearful of.  a looming possibility of rejection in all things.

sometimes i still grasp my clothes to make sure i exist, that i haven't just been shunned.  to make sure that i am living this present and that i am alive.

and other times i'm hiding in the bedroom closet, praying that i will never be found- that i will disappear from all human sight.

i'm ashamed of myself.  ashamed of being ashamed.  ashamed of having to admit that the sight of my features in the mirror makes me cringe with disgust.

and i'm so tired, both physically and emotionally.

at times, i'm surprised the world hasn't sucked the last bit of me that's still holding on to this hope, the naivety and ignorance of a boy in the perfect world.

a boy once spoiled by the virtues of life, a boy who didn't realize the lasting of his luck before it stopped lasting.  

exhausted to his core.

no sleep will ever cure the pain that haunts me inside.

i'm stuck in a limbo.

an ever-lasting sleep that numbs the sting, dulls the fine tip of grief's blade.

will i ever open these eyes again?

or am i forever stuck in this lamentful slumber?

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the skies are dark.

i smile lightly at the sight of thunder striking the skies, a sun hidden away behind the moon- a noble, gallant sacrifice for the creation of what we call night.

it's not all that bad though.  sometimes i feel more comfortable with the shadows than i do with the light, not because i like the darkness but because it's the one thing that seems constant for me.

peeking out from the top of the submarine, i am pulled to the docks.  my feet meet the ground, wobbly and hesitant at first. 

as long as i finally get to see the world i have been submerged under for two days, i'm happy.  as long as these shaky limbs are walking on land, i could not be more content.

i look to my right, eyes shying away from all of the others as they scramble out of the boat- their joy the source of their clamor.  

they help each other, and i sit here silent- more helpless than the rest.  my mind takes the reins- the only cure to boredom in my loneliest moments.   a solution i have taught myself to shake away the pain, to escape the world- to become someone else entirely.  an ethereal ecstasy emerging within me, a brilliant mind racing as i join celestial travelers on highways of sky.  stars beam from above like unfamiliar smiles.