The Adventures Of John B : The Sacred Stone

Chapter 40 - A Traitor's Turbulent Regret

JOLENE :

I'm sorry.

I've never said that to a single person in my life because I've never once felt a reason to.

But I can feel it in my soul.  The joy I've selfishly taken for myself, that I will continue to for centuries to come.

Because that is my only purpose.  To ruin all that could've been.

Lives lost, hopes left unfound, everything destroyed.

I want to tell myself that I'm not a bad person.

They don't see me as a bad person.

I'll be honest with you, because I have been lying.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm..

I can't explain it.

All I can feel is the remorse in my soul, the pain I've inflicted upon myself by inflicting it unto others- it does nothing to quench the hurt.

So why do I do it?

Because at least this way I am not alone, at least this way I can cover my own clawed heart with the broken pieces of others.

A girl like me, that's been used, abused, beaten, abandoned-

What do I have to be sorry for?

The world has been nothing but unkind.

What do I even have to lose anymore?

I don't know.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I keep asking questions that I feel I'll never get answers to- it's kept me unsatisfied for so long.  A cynic of the world on an endless search for some sort of response, for some sort of purpose, for some sort of emotional calling that my soul remains numb to.

Maybe there are no answers.

Maybe I need to stop asking, do the things I can while I still have the time and chances to instead of wasting my life waiting for something.

I tell myself, once I figure this out- I'll stop.  

But once I figure it out, what next?

I'm afraid to take the next step, so I backtrack to what I've always known- a pattern on eternal repeat.

Only one more, then I'll stop.

Maybe I have to finally do what I fear so much, take the opportunity while it still chooses to reveal itself.

And.. maybe I have to accept that the answers I've cherished so much don't want to be found.

Maybe you have to accept that too.

I warn you now, look away.

Go and have fun outside while you're still young enough to.

Enjoy time with the people you love.

Anything is better than this pitiful story, this pitiful person.

Be happy without this journey ever weighing again on your mind or your soul.

You deserve at least that much.

So why are you still reading?

Turn away, click off.

There are no happy endings.

Not for you, not for me.

They've never existed.