The Adventures Of John B : The Sacred Stone

Chapter 38 - Test Two : Sleep Walking In La La Land..

TOMMIE:

loss.

an exhale of life.

i met loss once.

they were very sad.   always moping and grieving something they couldn't even remember anymore.

over time, it all lost meaning though.  tears became a simple substance, pain became a natural occurrence.

i became friends with loss once.  

i found beauty in the hurt.  i found a comrade, i found someone who could understand what i was going through- that could relate to not understanding what it was exactly that killed me so much, that still kills me to this day.

there was a sense of familiarity there, an odd connection of sorts. even if it had to endure it, i knew i was not alone in this brutal misery.   or maybe it was the fact that its sadness was the only thing i could possibly rely on to remain.  

they didn't ask why or how or what was bothering me.  they just accepted it.

they didn't ask me to feel better.  they just let me stay for a moment, let me rest my eyes until i was ready to open them again.

i fell in love with loss once.

i fell in love with the way it made me feel.  i had nothing left to lose.  nothing left to worry about.

i was free.

it took me places that i never thought i could go.

sometimes it didn't bother to bring me back. 

other times it took pieces of me that i don't think will ever be returned, replaced by pieces that loss picked for me to fill in the gaps.

but that's the price to pay, and it was worth it if i could get to love loss for just another day.

i only wonder, did loss love me?

loss left me once.   

i understand why, or maybe it's the fact that i don't really, that i can't admit it to myself.  so i make excuses to divert the reality that it has broken free and i can not hold on it any longer.

i must have lost it somewhere, i suppose it happens from time to time.  

and now i'm all alone.

but i can still feel its murmurs in my mind like some faint whispers- a trace of its existence, proof that i consist of more than hopeless dreams and delusions.

i feel its tears, but this time they only touch my cheeks.  they've run for so long that i am starting to think there is no meaning to it at all, maybe loss was right in the end.

i feel its touch, the way it outlines every part of me.

i became loss.

again.

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the hallway was dark.  the smallest sliver of my mind longed to feel a part of that again, to not have to think for myself- to be obedient to what i couldn't see.

but i couldn't.  

it was unfeeling, and horribly, unashamedly cruel.  it watched but lent no hand to help us find our way out, leaving us stumbling to whatever place fate decided to throw us to next.  a part of it, i felt, was almost.. alive.  its breaths brushed against the back of my neck, an eeriness filling me up all in order to make me feel empty again.   there was no shadow, just one being- the hand of the dark encapsulating me.  again and again, its terrifying fingers curled around my figure as if trying to grab me once more, just so it could take me away to a place where i would never be found.  as if i were some hidden prize, something that was valued.