The Adventures Of John B : The Sacred Stone

Part 22 - Dangerous Dances

I wish I was small.

The nostalgic joys of youth- the way I was so intrigued and satisfied with the little things.  Now it seems that I need constant confirmation to feel little again.  

When I was small, I felt so big.

And now that I am big.  What do I see?

I realize how small I am in a miserably rotten world.  How small of an impact my words possess.  And maybe that makes some people feel useless or their lives pointless.  But for me, it lets me know that I am free.  Free to finally breathe- to think for myself.  To be realistic.  To know that not everyone will be famous.  Free from the restrictive chains of limited perspective and the relentless expectations of our society.

Free to think:  Not everyone is nice for others' well being.  Oftentimes, there's some selfish reason involved, and I don't know whether to trust blatant kindness or not.  

But it's alright, I'll figure it out myself.

It's not like I can trust anyone in this world anyways.  

Because everyone always has something to prove, some type of front to uphold.  And it's not my business anymore.

I've always heard the term, "If the shoe fits, wear it."

I've thought a lot about it.  And I've wondered who came up with it, and why, and what they were thinking.

But no matter what thoughts run through my head, there is one that remains static.  Like a temporary fog blocking my view before clearing out to uncover what's always been there-

If they've convinced themselves that the shoe fits, what's stopping them from stuffing the heel in?

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A cool sensation rushed over my body, pooling at my feet.  I fell into a state of evocation, recalling nights of broken dreams and sullying, rancorous calamities.  Things we thought spelled out the end of the world, easy tragedies.  Excuses for true vicissitude, for utterly devastating, heart-breaking tribulation.  Something I have yet to experience, something I've feigned a million times.  Like an actor prepping for the real deal.  The countless droplets precipitated an intense, unprecedented sorrow.  Every drop so minuscule, so unimportant- but together extremely effective.  A feeling that I'd lost something I'd never had in the first place- hopeless attempts of catching that evasive water.    I gradually leaned back, allowing the crisp substance to race across my rough skin, a smooth sheen capturing my face.

Closing my eyes, I thought about the spoken phrase, repeating it over and over in my brain until it became no less than a vivid memory.

"I don't want you to get hurt."

A giddy sort of grin spread over my face as I fervently washed my hair, my actions suddenly full of an eccentric perkiness, an exaggerated positivity.  White foam adorned my head, a crown of rapture and instantaneous glee.

The world was at its brightest, a place of merry fortunes and happy surprises.  Like the sunrise of effervescent jubilation, washing over its once dreary shores.  The most beautiful sight to behold, sands of delight trapping my feet as a fierce gale of wind swept me into my own delirious dream world.  A manipulative delusion, a place devoid of calamity.  My feet slid up and down the slippery floor, sloshing water around as I made up a silly dance.