Shape of You (+18)

Chapter Fifty-Three

▬▬▬▬Joel's POV▬▬▬▬

It's crazy how much can go through your mind in a handful of seconds. How many different images, memories flash before your eyes in that small amount of time. Everything or everyone you love pushed to the forefront of your focus when you think you're about to die.

Five seconds. That's how long I stared death in the face, but it felt like it lasted far longer than that.

Everly was the first to appear.

I could hear her laugh, see her smile. I could hear her calling my name, brown eyes wide and curious as I answered one of her countless questions. The smile on her lips when I tucked her into bed, kissing the top of her head and telling her goodnight. The countless times I'd heard her say 'I love you, Daddy,' tightening the space around my heart. I saw all of that in the first second.

Next came my parents.

Flashes of me growing up, joking around with them. My dad, telling me how proud he was when I promised him I'd be a better son. That I'd stop acting out. My mother, telling me how proud he'd have been to see me grow up when he was gone. Her during the holidays, cooking way too much food and crying, overwhelmed with love and bittersweet joy. Memories like those filled the following two seconds.

Then those brilliant fucking eyes took over, and my grip on the steering wheel grew deadly tight. Hazel green and beautiful. This vision of Marley panned out until I saw those freckles all across her cheeks and nose, then that breathtaking smile that made everything in me come alive. The first time I saw her at the diner, to the few months spent admiring her from afar, to the day Ev spilled her drink everywhere and I watched how sweet and kind Marley was to her.

I'd made up my mind that day that I'd work my way up to talking to her and now she was everything. The woman I found myself needing more and more each day. Images of her smiling sleepily, content with her head on my pillow, early in the morning. Her laughter while we showered together, playful, unable to keep my hands off of her. I saw all of that and more in the fourth second.

I couldn't really remember how I managed to swerve out of the way in time, maybe the oncoming driver reacted quick enough to save my life, but all I knew as I sat outside my mother's house, was that I couldn't move. Couldn't unbuckle my seatbelt or even begin to get out of my car until the pressure in my chest lifted and I was calm enough to go inside.

There was no way in hell I was driving anywhere with Everly in the truck with me until I knew for certain that I was in the right state of mind to do so. Not until Lisa's fucking face was out of my head. Not until the fear was gone.

I huge part of me wanted to call Marley, just to hear her voice, but I didn't want to worry her over something that hadn't happened, even though it almost did. I was alive, no one got hurt, and I'd gotten some much needed clarity.

In the fifth and final second when I feared for my life, when I stared down the headlights of the vehicle coming right at me, heard the heavy horn of his SUV and felt my body clench, anticipating the collision, I saw so much.

I saw what would have been my greatest regrets. The things I'd have missed out on, that even up until now,  I 'd kept myself from experiencing. Wants I'd deprived myself of too easily, losing myself in the responsibilities that surrounded me.

My baby girl's graduation. Her first love. First heartbreak.  First kid. First...everything. There were so many things she had yet to experience and I damn well planned to be there when she did, just in case she needed me.

I couldn't help but think of my own father, and how much he would never get to see me or Jared do. Hell, I was twenty-eight and still hadn't crossed off many meaningful milestones. I had a child, in every aspect that mattered, but that didn't mean there wasn't a huge part of me that got excited at the thought of having a kid with someone. Of watching her belly swell because of me. Fuck.