Shape of You (+18)

Chapter Sixty-Seven

▬▬▬▬Joel's POV▬▬▬▬

I didn't even know what fucking day it was.

Thursday?

Friday?

The only reason I'd bothered leaving the house was because of Kim and the pointless ass meeting she called me into. I thought she'd have a solution for me, but it was just more of the waiting game. More of having to leave my daughter's fate in the hands of strangers. Served me right for trusting her again after the shit show that happened in court.

Fuck this, man.

Slamming the door of my truck closed, I checked my phone. Ten more missed calls since this morning. Ten more calls I wasn't fucking returning. The only thing I had the energy to do was breathe, and right now the motivation to keep even that up was waning.

Not even trying to be dramatic, but walking up the steps to the front door of what hadn't felt like home at all since Everly was, quite literally, carried out of it days ago, my chest tightened, and lack of motivation wasn't the only reason it was hard to breathe now. My eyes stung as I tried to unlock the door, struggling for a moment before finally walking inside.

I heard her before I saw her.

Even over the low hum of the TV playing, I picked up on her sniffles. It sounded like she was in the kitchen, and I knew if I mustered up the fucking courage to go to her, I'd find her face stained with tears. Tears it was my job to wipe away.

But I'd already failed at my most important responsibility, and the shame of that crippled me. Self preservation forced me to walk the other way.

You pussy ass bitch. Can't just be a shitty father, now you gotta be a shitty boyfriend, too? Nice fucking work.

In an attempt to drown out the brutal voice in my head that'd been beating me up since Monday, I hung my head low and let the hot water of my shower do the beating instead. The steam was overwhelming, and I was certain my pale skin was a raging red under the heat, but at least I felt something other than self-loathing. Physically pain was much more preferable over the mental hardship I was juggling. The ache in my heart was constant, though. I could stand here 'til my skin went raw and bled—it wouldn't make a difference.

That fucking hole would just get bigger.

After getting dressed, I planned to head back downstairs. There was some mail I needed to look through. Maybe a bill or two. I also wanted to double check if I locked the door. Or maybe I just want to be near Marley?

No. Having her in the same building as me was more than enough. If I was in the same room with her, the inadequacies I felt would only amplify.

Then why am I still heading down stairs?

Walking down the hall, my eyes couldn't help but focus in on that stupid door covered in all sorts of girly little stickers. It was cracked just enough for me to peer in her room. At this time of day, I'd be on my way to pick her up from school. I'd let her talk me into taking her to the diner for a burger and fries.

And that fucking orange soda she was addicted to.

"Fuck, man," I said under my breath, my hand a fist rubbing at my eyes. The steam from the shower must've still been bothering them because I couldn't stop them from watering again and again.

Unable to resist the pull, I walked in her room, and the emotions hit me like a goddamn wrecking ball. Like they always did...and like the fucker I was, I welcomed the punishment. I'd spent my nights on the cold ass floor replaying that day in my head. Now, with the sun shining through the windows, the room was warmer than usual, and the light bounced off all the furniture.