Shape of You (+18)

Chapter Sixty-Three

▬▬▬▬▬ Marley's POV ▬▬▬▬▬

It took hours before the judge came to a verdict; hours that felt like days as well as seconds. Time seemed to drag on forever, yet, the moment we were all called back into the courtroom to hear the ruling, it suddenly felt too soon. Like I wouldn't have minded staying in that torturous limbo just a little while longer.

Joel and Kim were optimistic after Lisa took the stand; I could see it emanating off of them in waves, waves that rolled over everyone around them. Meanwhile, my anxiety was bouncing off the walls. I was careful with my words, not wanting to say something out of place, but I was terrified. It felt like something...or someone was picking at my brain, trying to get me to put puzzle pieces together before I even knew I had them in my hands.

Trying to warn me, like some sort of premonition.

I didn't want a warning. Warnings were only necessary when bad things were about to happen.

"All rise for the honorable judge."

I watched closely as the old man walked up to his seat, elevated above the rest of us, all eyes on him, knowing this was it. This was the moment that every single person that gathered here today had something at stake. In some way, large or small, every last one of us would be affected by what one man decided. What one man would order, right here, right now. To say it was getting hard to breathe would've been an understatement.

"Alright, I know it's been a long day, so let's not delay this any further," the judge began, clearing his throat as he looked out at the many faces in the room. In the case of full custody of Everly Diane Kramer..."

As the words left his mouth, everything slowed down, becoming a fuzzy blur as I tried to stay here, in the present. The sounds around me were silenced by this sort of...ringing in my ears. I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my own heart beating loudly as I processed what he'd said; what this would mean. I could register people celebrating, their hands clapping and others shaking excitedly like they won some sort of prize; none of their faces were clear to me, their features hazy in my peripheral. Those closer to me were frozen, stunned, like statues as I looked past them, further ahead to the only thing—the only person in clear definition.

Oh, Joel.

His shoulders were slumped, hands weightlessly dangling by his sides, limp and lifeless, like the rest of him. All strength seemed to give out in his legs at the same time that his head tilted up to the ceiling, and he fell to his knees, dangerously close to hitting his chin on the table in front of him, but none of that was a factor for him. I couldn't help the slow tears falling from my eyes as I noticed his lips barely moving, like he was talking to the heavens, wondering what the purpose for this could be. Wondering what he did to deserve this. Wondering how the fuck any of this could be happening to someone as good and giving as him. To someone as sweet and loving as Everly.

I didn't even realize that I was full on sobbing now, the collar of my top getting soaked as the tears ran down my chin, under my jaw, and down my neck, getting caught on the fabric. Wetting it to the touch. The sudden force of someone bumping into me as they rushed out of the courtroom was the reason anything other than Joel was even running through my thoughts. Blinking to see clearer, I saw that it was Lisa, and she was running out of here like the whole place was on fire.

When she was out of sight, my eyes scanned my surroundings again, zoning in on Marie. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands as I watched her grin, patting her lawyer on the back. He was feeling proud of himself; I could tell by the pompous posture he held, shoulders back, chest tall, pushing his big belly out as he stood straight. I wanted to crack him upside his head for the role he played in all of this, but then...he was just doing his job. The real bitch I wanted to sink my claws into was still smiling at what she'd done. What she'd achieved, because that's what it seemed like all of this was for her. Just another chance for her to win at something.

If I looked at her a second longer, I would've ended up getting dragged out of here in handcuffs, so I turned my attention elsewhere, noticing the judge...he was looking right at Joel. His stare was heavy, unwavering, and if I didn't know better, I may have even thought there was a bit of regret on his face. Looking away, he hung his head low, and banged his gavel, mumbling something about us being dismissed. To be honest, it felt like he should've just dismissed himself. Joel was in no state to move right now, and we'd be damned if any of us were leaving him like that.

Cautiously making my way to him, my broken man, I quickly wiped the tears from my face, needing to be strong for him, so he knew it was okay to fall apart. That was something I'd learned about him the longer we were together. There was this sense of obligation he carried, something he gave himself, that wouldn't allow him to feel fully, to even crumble if necessary, unless he thought those around him would be okay without him—without his strength.

Standing a little bit behind him now, I watched as his mother sat on the floor next to him, rubbing his shoulders, trying anything she could to pull him out if that frozen state. Nothing was working. As if he was numb to her touch, he just sat there. He didn't even look to be blinking.

I didn't know what the right thing to say was...or if I should even speak at all. The only sounds I could focus on were Joel's pained whimpers as he tried to keep his cries at bay. Kim said something to him, but I was too distracted to process her words. Too aware now that in this moment...I was scared shitless.

What if he lashes out at me? Can I take it?

He had always been concerned that my newfound presence in their lives would cost him his daughter. What if he came to that same conclusion, now that the latter had certainly just happened? Did he blame me? If he used that tongue to do harm...to do damage, would we be able to recover?

He loves you.

He did love me. He'd said so himself just earlier that day. Said so without even meaning too, and he refused to take it back. That had to count for something. I would make sure of it.
So the answer was yes. No matter what he said, or did, or how he'd react to this terrible, devastating, god-awful news...I would be right there. Why? Because I loved him with a fierceness that wouldn't go down without a fight.

It was in that final second, when I made eye contact with his mother, that I managed to muster up the last bit of courage I needed to lean forward and let my hand touch his back. The moment I felt his tense muscles beneath my fingertips, he jerked up straighter, startled by the connection I suppose. But then he turned his head and looked up at me, and I'd never felt the weight of someone else's pain like that before. Joel's eyes were practically pink everywhere they should've been white, with a wetness all around them, and his pale skin hid none of the redness around his nose or cheeks. His body was tenser than before, if that was even possible, but then, like everything suddenly caved in on him, his shoulders slacked and he reached out to me; first grabbing my leg that was closest to him, and then pulling me next to him, closer than air. His hold was tight, almost suffocating as he hugged me, his face buried in the crook of my neck so I felt the vibrations of each word he mustered the strength to say.

Words he repeated over and over again.

Words that broke my heart.

Words he should've never been put in a position to have to say.

"I lost her."

Words that tragically rang true.

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Don't hate me. 🫣

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—Lady Jay