evergreen • remus lupin

77. not fair

august 10 1978

"He needs to get out of this flat" Sirius spoke sternly, in the living room of Remus' place

"He's grieving Pads" James said softly, trying to reason with him

"We're all bloody grieving!" Sirius yelled "But I haven't had one second to breathe because he's fucking killing himself!" he choked back tears

"She was the love of his life Sirius, and it's only been a couple months"

"I bought him this flat and look at it!" the flat was one big common area, a kitchen, the living room and the small dining room, with the hallway that led back to the single bedroom where Remus was. 

Anybody who walked into the room would think it was for sale. There were no wall decorations, no personalizations, no boxes even, they were all stacked away in his closet, hidden away from anyone. There was only a couch and some basic kitchen supplies that Sirius bought for Remus, not that any of it was used. 

"He's a ghost James, he's better off in a coma, he'd be dead if it wasn't for us!" Sirius continued yelling

"I don't know what you want me to say Sirius! He's depressed, and he needs time, and he needs us, to be here for him, cause he can't be here for himself."

"He doesn't need us to force feed him and yell at each other, he needs us to force him to get out of bed and and out of this bloody flat!" Sirius countered. James sighed,

"You're right, but I think he just needs a little more time..."

"We don't have time! We have a war, and the order, and lives to live. We can't sit and babysit him until he wants to come back to reality, cause that could be never!"

"Sirius"

"No." Sirius spoke sternly, "He's heartbroken, I get it, but he isn't gonna move on and live his life without a little push in the right direction."

"I agree, but Pads, it's all so new don't you think he deserves some time to grieve?" James asked pinching the bridge of his nose

"What would Selene want?" Sirius spoke, making them both stop. Neither of them had spoken her name since her passing, it felt like bad medicine in his mouth 

"Do you think she would want him wasting away in his bed?" his voice cracked and tears fell down his face, 

"Well it doesn't matter what she wants does it?" James spoke softly but coldly. 

"This isn't fair, none if this is fucking fair" Sirius spoke softly, "Why does he get to just mentally check out, and let everyone else take care of him, she was our best friend too, we loved her too, we lost her too, Lily lost her, Marlene lost her, Pete lost her, but only he can check out-"

"Come her mate" James whispered embracing Sirius in a long needed hug. Both boys sobbed silently into the hug, finally taking a moment to not be okay. 

"I just miss her so much"Sirius whispered

"I do too mate. I do too"

In the bedroom Remus lie in the bed, unmoved, next to a full bowl of soup and some crackers. He distantly heard his friends arguing followed by crying, and he wanted to get out of bed he really did. 

He wanted to go out to them and hug them and apologize for being so stubborn, he wanted to go outside and feel the fresh air, but he also wanted her. 

He couldn't tell the date anymore. All the days blended together, he only knew somewhat what time of year it was due to the changing leaves on the trees, outside his window, so he guess it was early autumn.