Bully

Chapter 10: Cut too deep

**ABRIELLE’S POV**

We’d been on the road with Shinedown for a few months now. I was check my emails and received one about a project that was going to be announced in a week or so. My professor wanted me to have a sneak peak to it. We had to recreate a music video they band had already done. There were only three restrictions to it. First, it had to be in animation form. Second, it had to be a shot-for-shot recreation of that video. And thirdly it had to have the student’s flourish to it. That was going to take quite a while to do! Good thing we had a few months to work on it!

I hated staying on my bus. Michael and Shawn were mean especially when they were drunk. I quite often had to hide the bruises from where I’d landed after they shoved, pushed, or tripped me into things. They constantly made fun of me and made me cry on several occasions by the things they were saying. They even made it where I couldn’t get to the groceries on our bus. Life was hell. Except when I was with the band. They also got me to giggling. Even as much as I loved hanging out with them, I kept them at arms’ length. If they ever got close to me, they would realize how horrible I really was. It was much better to keep them in the dark than for them to find out the truth about me and have them turn on me too.

I was almost caught one day since I had a bad scrape across my upper arm where a Jack Daniels bottle hit me after Michael threw it at my head. Don’t even get me started on how many times they’ve pulled me out of my bunk in the middle of the night just to hurl insults or objects at me! It was actually worse than being at home. At least there I had somewhere I could hide when I needed to! As mean as they were, they were smart about it. They never said a bad word to or about me in front of any member of the crew or management.

Shinedown and their crew were all very close. If one guy heard either of these two boys say anything bad then they would be confronted about it. As I was “partaking” in one of my class discussions, I came to the realization that I was just as stuck here on tour as I was at home. Don’t get me wrong, I loved hanging out with Shinedown. I loved how they always made me laugh. I loved how so positive, uplifting, encouraging, and loving they were to one another and everyone around them. Despite all that, I was still miserable.

I would never go to the band or Jake with what was happening though. Surely they’d think I was weak! I felt trapped and alone. Instead of bringing my meager and worthless problems to them, I turned to what had always made me feel better back home. I cut myself. That’s what I was doing one day when I was startled by my bus mates. I went too deep and started really bleeding. Biting my lip, I tried to stop the bleeding but I wasn’t really able to. I was so busy in trying to stop the bleeding, as a matter of fact, that I didn’t hear anyone come onto the bus. Hearing a shocked gasp made me look up. Brent was standing there staring at me. To say I was mortified was an understatement.

I tried to stutter an explanation but he just shook his head. Seeing my failed attempt at stopping the bleeding, he grabbed my hand and dragged me off my bus. I was still bleeding pretty badly when we boarded their bus. As we quickly walked, I began praying that the bus was empty. It was bad enough seeing his reaction. I’m not sure I could take the others’ reactions. Just my luck the other three were there getting ready to play cards. He ordered Barry to call Jake and have him bring the med kit. Brent gently pushed me onto the right-side couch before rushing off to the back. None of them apparently saw exactly what my issue was until Zach stood up to find out why.

“What the fuck happened to you?!” Zach suddenly exclaimed as Barry was on the phone

I couldn’t look him, or anyone, in the eyes. Brent returned with what I hoped was a clean t-shirt. He wrapped it around my bleeding forearm and applied pressure to try and stop the bleeding. Glancing up, I found Zach kneeling in front of me with teary eyes. Even Eric had moved to kneel on Zach’s left. The tall bassist gently placed his right hand on my right knee in a comforting manner. It was all I could do to keep from crying right there. At the same time, I was mentally preparing myself for the screaming fit I was sure they were about to have at me.

“What happened on your bus?” Brent asked, voice soft but still slightly panicked as he kept pressured on my arm

“What happened? Why did I need the med kit?” Jake asked as soon as he boarded the bus

“She has a pretty bad cut on her left forearm.” Brent replied

Jake ordered Zach to move so he could doctor my wound. Brent removed the t-shirt revealing my “wound”. Barry had went to get a couple towels to put down on the floor while Brent was talking to me since I was still bleeding pretty badly. Eric just looked between me and my bleeding arm. Thankfully there was so much blood on my arm that the few other “scars” weren’t visible! I was so terrified of them finding out my secrets!

“This wound looks deep. She may need to go the hospital if I can’t get the bleeding to stop.” Jake informed them

“Darlin’ please tell us what happened.” Barry urged, voice cracking slightly

I couldn’t say anything. I just couldn’t. All I could do was watch Jake as he doctored me and will back the tears.

“Black.” Eric suddenly stated as he realized what really happened

“Black? What the fuck does that mean?” Jake questioned, cocking his eyebrow

Zach got it and gasped. The shame I feel afterwards was just multiplied by about a thousand. The realization hit that these four men would probably never trust me again and that stung deeply.

“You did this to yourself, didn’t you?” The bassist questioned with the saddest tone I’d ever heard

All I could give them was silence. By now I was feeling nauseas and a bit light-headed. And tears were starting to slip down my cheek despite my best efforts of willing them away.

“If she did this to herself, I’d suggest moving her onto your bus for a while. Keep an eye on her. Especially with that wound.” Jake verbalized before turning his eyes to me, “Are you feeling dizzy or nauseas?”

I shook my head yes because I didn’t trust my voice. He asked if I meant yes to both so I nodded my head again. He popped open a bottle and handed Eric a pill. Apparently it was an anti-nausea medicine. He told them I should lay down and rest but that I needed to drink plenty of liquids to help replenish what I’d lost nearly bleeding to death. Barry said he’d go fetch my things from our bus. Brent went to get me a pillow & blanket while Zach fetched a bottle of water for me. Eric helped me into a more laying position. I refused to look at anyone out of fear, shame, and the feeling of being worthless.

I didn’t deserve the treatment these guys were giving me. Brent draped the blanket over me before Zach laid the water bottle down on the couch with me. The three of them silently headed to the back lounge. They were going to talk about me alone. This was it. They were going to send me back home. If that happened, there was no point in even making an effort to survive. Barry returned with all my things. I watched as he set my stuff by the kitchen table before walking over to where I was laying.

“Sweetheart, please talk to us. Even just one of us.” He urged, “What happened? What can we do for you? We want to help you, Abrielle, but we can’t if we don’t know what you need.”

I just looked away from him. Truly I wasn’t worthy of their help. I wasn’t worthy of even being in their presence. He gave my leg a gentle squeeze before walking to the back lounge and shutting the door. Once I was alone, I let the tears flow. Why did Brent have to walk in at that very moment? Why couldn’t I just die and be done with all this pain?! Before long, I’d cried myself to sleep.