swim || remus lupin

already gone

Remus's hand was in mine, like it always was, and he was leading me. His hand was in mine and he was leading me away from the incessant noise and the idiotic celebration. His hand was in mine and we were on the lift, we were off the lift, we were in our flat.

His hand was in mine, like it always was, but I didn't want it.

I don't want this.

No one was home, they were all out getting 6AM drinks and celebrating stupidly; celebrating imminent death. But Remus and I weren't drinking, we were in the living room. We were in the living room because there was no need to go upstairs because no one was home.

Remus sat on the floral couch and he did not sink into the cushions like he always did. He sat on the floral couch and he was stiff, flat. He sat on the floral couch and he dropped my hand in order to bring both of his to his face; his exhausted, worried looking face.

He sat on the floral couch and he dropped my hand, but I didn't want that either.

I don't want this.

Remus let out a large exhale, so large that I felt, maybe, I should have continued to lie.

"You're not okay," he said finally, looking to meet my eyes.

I tried not to lose myself in his eyes, or my thoughts. I tried to focus on my breathing or my hands or the red flowers on the couch. I took one deep breath and shook my head, but said nothing more; I didn't trust my words, not yet.

Remus nodded slowly, offering up the opportunity for me to speak before moving on.

"You're not okay... But, you've been saying you have been?"

I don't want to do this.

I shrugged slightly.

"Why?" He asked desperately. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

Okay, well direct questions don't give me much room to not speak.

"I-" I paused to let the right words formulate, but the way Remus's mouth had slightly parted and the way his eyebrows dug together reminded me an awful lot of when I was asked to join the Order.

"Are you," I almost couldn't believe I was saying it. "Are you mad?"

"No," Remus breathed, his eyes flitting away from mine. "No, I'm not mad... But-"

"Oh my God."

"Well, you went to Peter about it."

"Oh my God."

I dug my palms into the couch and pushed myself to my feet, taking a few steps away from him and ripping my hands through my hair in disbelief.

"So, what, you're spying on me now?"