swim || remus lupin

waves

"Marlene is dead."

The phone slipped through my fingers and fell to the floor, hanging from the table and bouncing loosely by its cord.

Remus reached out a hand and I could see his lips moving, but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear anything except my heart beat pounding in my ears.

Come to think of it, I couldn't see much, either. The room seemed tilted and like I was tumbling sideways as if the world was suddenly spinning much faster than usual.

She can't be.

Everyone in the kitchen was looking at me, too. I could sense their stares dripping over me like thick syrup. I could sense their worry hovering over me like fog in a cemetery.

But I couldn't feel anything.

Get out, a voice screamed in my head. You need to get out.

I looked up hazily at Remus to find that he had placed a hand on my shoulder. But I couldn't see him, just a blur.

Everything was just a blur.

Get out.

I shoved past Remus and took off for the glass door on the side of the kitchen. Each step felt weighted, like I was in a dream.

Maybe that's all this was.

Maybe it was just a dream.

I ripped through their thick stares and broke out of the claustrophobic house. My feet carried me down the broken wood steps until they hit the sand, until I could almost feel.

But not quite.

I knew they were watching me out the window. I knew they would follow me. I knew they would ask what happened.

But it didn't matter because they could never catch me.

The waves hit my feet and soaked through my skin and I didn't stop running until it reached the hem of my t-shirt.

And then I dove underwater.

And I don't know where I was going or how fast I was swimming. All I know is that I needed to get out. I needed to go.

All I know is that as soon as my face hit the water I could feel.

I could feel the pounding bursting through my skull; I could feel the hollowness in my heart; I could feel the shaking in my chest; I could feel the way my bones could have shattered.

When my face hit the water I could feel.

And it was horrible.

My heart felt like a black rock that had cracked open and was dousing the rest of my body with a cold and dark liquid. A liquid that could kill me if it wanted to.

And it felt like it wanted to.

It felt like everything inside of me was shutting down piece by piece. Every organ, every joint, every muscle. It was all failing and falling out of place.

No matter how far I swam or how deep I got I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop feeling. I couldn't get out.

I hit the sand at the bottom and I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even scream. I had no way to release what I was feeling. I had no way to cut off the anger, the sadness, the fear. I had no way to stop it.

She can't be.

I just talked to her. We just had pizza and drinks. She was just here.

How can she be-

How could she-

I couldn't bring myself to say it. Every time I tried it was like my ribs were breaking apart all at once.

She can't be.

I stared emptily at the surface, so many yards above me. I watched as the water rippled back and forth, making the grey clouds seem much more blurred together.

I watched as small bubbles floated uselessly around me, trailing through the water and popping; trailing through the water and dying.

I watched as the clouds above opened, allowing small drops to fall from the sky like tears. And I watched as the drops hit the water.

And it felt like they fell all the way to the bottom, all the way through me.

And the rain mixed with the black liquid that coursed through my veins and turned it grey.

I pushed myself off of the sand and swam up, pushing through the water, pushing through the tear-like drops.

I broke the surface and the rain hit my face and I could feel.

I could feel the pounding in my skull fall to a flatline; I could feel my heart burning; I could feel my chest rattling out breaths against the rain; I could feel the limpness in my bones.

And I could see to the shore, so many yards away, where four men looked like boys.

And they could see me, too.

Remus ran first, crashing through the waves and ruining the sweater that James had given him for his birthday.

He swam and swam all the way to me, and I should have helped. I should have met him halfway. But I couldn't move.

I was paralyzed in the rain with my aching heart and the greyness in my blood.

And the rain poured over me, mixing with my tears, and all I could do was feel.

And it was horrible.

I don't know how, but Remus made it to me. His breathing was heavy and his hair was dripping drops like tears down his face and his sweater seemed to weigh a hundred pounds over his shoulders, but he made it.

He slowed his pace as he neared and his eyes searched mine. And I could swear that he felt the greyness inside of me and I could swear that some of it transferred to him.

He reached out a hand and pushed my wet hair behind my ears and the rain poured down over my newly exposed cheeks.

Remus placed his hand on my face and I was so vulnerable. I could see every detail of his sad and worried face and I could hear the rain crashing down around us and I could sense myself falling apart.

"She's dead," I said, quiet but true.

And I wished I couldn't feel it. 

________

A/N

okay this was lowkey sad but at least I didn't rewrite it

song: waves - dean lewis

how it applies: "a feeling I thought was set in stone / it slips through my fingers / I'm trying hard to let go"