swim || remus lupin

if i don't go to hell

When I stepped out of the castle doors, the sun was practically screaming from the sky. It pierced through my skin and washed it red on impact, giving me the sudden sensation that I was burning. It was far too hot for a September afternoon.

Or, maybe I was just nervous.

I followed Dumbledore across the grounds through an all too familiar path and my head felt like it was full of air. It felt like a cloud had formed in my brain and it was soaking up all of my senses and expanding against my skull. I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't hear. I was just letting my feet carry me mindlessly through the grass.

At the lake, we were met by Mad-Eye, McGonagall, James, Sirius, and Remus. Each of their stares suddenly joined the sun in probing my skin and trying to unravel me. I wasn't sure if it was due to my own nerves or their own, but I kept my eyes trained to the ground.

But then they wandered over to the small patch where I had met Theo. And then the cold cloud that had formed in my brain settled into my chest.

Remus took my hand and I looked up to find that everyone had begun boarding two small rowboats. The first consisted of Dumbledore, Mad-Eye, and McGonagall; and Sirius and James were climbing into the second. I let Remus lead me to the boat, but I still sort of felt like I was floating.

The three boys sat on the right side of the boat, and I sat across from them on the left. I could still feel all of their eyes on me, watching my very movement, and so I turned away and watched the water lapping lazily below us.

It was a dark blue color, the water. The waves rippled endlessly over one another, sparkling the sharp rays of afternoon sun back up at me. They sparkled my reflection back up at me, too.

I reached out to brush my fingertips over the frown in the water.

I was so nervous.

I tore away from the water, hating the fact that everyone was watching me even more now that I saw what they had been looking at.

On the other side of the boat, James was the only one still eyeing me as Sirius skeptically peered over the edge and Remus looked distantly off at the castle with both of his hands enveloping my own.

"You sure about this, Syd?" James asked.

I hated it when he used my real name.

"Yeah," I breathed, regaining the attention of both Remus and Sirius. I forced a smile. "It'll be fine."

Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it.

Remus's hands shifted to hold mine better as he lifted my fingers quietly to his lips.

"It will be," he said. "It'll be alright, my love."

The cloud over my heart evaporated slightly, but the hard sun on my face quickly reminded me of where I was.