TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

14

Chapter 14

JEON JUNGKOOK

I'd been told relentlessly during my stay in medical school that I'd be one of the great surgeons in the country. I had earned a few accomplishments that gave honor to the name of our university, and my professors frequently lauded me as an excellent student in front of my batch mates that sometimes it embarrassed and worried me that the other students who were just as trying to do well as me were thinking that there had probably been a favoritism towards me going on... People described me too often as someone who was unbelievably smart, or something that would surpass a genius, a compliment that I would just laugh off, thank for with a shy nod, smile at, or deny as I politely shook my head. Sometimes, it got too intense that the compliments which were supposed to make me feel good about myself weighed on me and each day I woke up and thought, I should not work less because they expect more than what I can do. Then I would slump over my books everywhere and every chance I got ahold of them.

How could I tell them that I wasn't truthfully smart? That just like everyone else, I pushed myself too hard to stay on top. The pressure to be a consistent achiever crushed down on me like an invisible force and I did everything so I could pull myself back up and manage to swim through the hassle. If other students studied for ten hours a day, I juggled for twelve or more. I had gotten a disruptive sleeping pattern. There came a frightening moment that I asked myself, 'Will I still wake up tomorrow?' when I lay on bed with a pounding head. I slept when it was convenient. I ate my meals without bothering what time it was, or was it still healthy to eat my dinner at 1 am? Without realizing it all, I had become so competitive with myself. Because I knew, I could always do better. I could throw in all of my best. In fact, if Taehyung wasn't persistent, I probably wouldn't have made a solid friendship in college. Even when there were lots of people who knew me, and I was acquainted with, nobody really came forward to ask, you know, if I was handling things just fine? Since I had it absolutely hard there were moments I wanted to disappear and not care about anything in particular.

It was tiring to think all the time.

When we were still interns, I took things seriously. So when the doctors didn't see my effort like how they expected it to turn out, I beat myself up for every stupid mistake I made. Because I could be better than that. I just had to give all my best and try. That's why when anyone invalidated my hardwork, it felt like there was a huge fucking hole in my chest.

I could not stop the trembling of my hands as I controlled my breathing. Relax, Jungkook. This is nothing. It'll be alright, you see.

I had hoped no one would walk in and see me coping with my terrible jitters. How do you fucking get over this? One time I fearlessly asked on the damn Quora, 'how can you beat your anxiety? I'm a doctor, 30, and I'm still pretty bad at handling it.' And probably, I shouldn't have posted it even I went by a fake identity because there would always be mean trolls on the internet. They get in your head even if you don't want them to and make things worse. Somebody published a comment: You're thirty and old enough to have managed your shit by now. Suck it up and don't be such a pussy. You have a decent job and be grateful you don't get to worry about BIG, REAL problems like unprivileged people do. Another one: you're a doctor. you're supposed to know what to do, I guess?

Oh, right. I hadn't thought of that.

Apparently, a Q and A website isn't the best place, or maybe I went there at a wrong time and happened to welcome offensive users who don't know how to hold back. I was thinking, they probably believed that anything less is a lie.

I waited for my nerves to calm down - a painfully slow process - sweat sticky on my palms and sides of my forehead. And while I did that, I was on alert for whoever that might come into the dark changing room, my eyes stuck on the door. Though I was feeling sick, I could quickly pull myself up from where I sat and pretend I didn't look pathetic.