TIME AFTER TIME ; jjk

40

(thanks to that song^^ i got so motivated. unedited~)

CHAPTER 40

JEON JUNGKOOK

I began drafting my CV's by nine in the morning, putting the residency program on top of my concerns. I'd already attached files in my letter yesterday to the TA job details that my former professor had sent me, but the opportunity still didn't bring any relief. I wanted to be grateful, but I'd get reminded of why I was doing this in the first place and I'd think, I wasn't even supposed to be doing this at all. I had a nice job just a week ago, and while it could be a hellhole sometimes, I was being useful. If it kept going this way, I might have to abate my expenses and move to a cheaper place. I pushed myself away from my computer and slumped on the couch, seeing the miserably emptied lunch takeout boxes until it came crashing back—

These past few days I was rattling around my apartment with practically nothing to do.

I had an empty routine.

Soohyun would text me whenever she got a chance and I felt so upset again waiting around for any messages that would keep me company, and I knew she couldn't be slacking at work just so I wouldn't get bored to death. I had an itch to keep myself preoccupied, be productive like everyone else, and get my hands moving.

It was hard to revel in the little things. I used to pray for times like this— to be able to appreciate staring down at the city through my window, or having not to eat in rush, to pause and peacefully sit for hours. Now it was like my brain was broken and even if someone opened it like a lid to inspect for defects, they wouldn't figure it out. And it was a helpless thought I shouldn't be entertaining, because I must get better. Get better, get fucking bet—I threw an arm over my eyes, my entire body sighing. I couldn't calm myself that moment; my pulsing heartbeat was unwavering and my chest so filled with unnamed emotions thriving and never leaving yet I felt like I couldn't drive them out.

I couldn't cry. Then I wondered why.

I pushed myself off the couch and padded over to the kitchen, drinking water and standing by the fridge. I was gasping for air, my brain a muddled mess. Glancing down and watching the lines across the floor, I composed my breathing. I repeated things will be alright in my head, just like my old therapist said so, the phrase nearly a meaningless amalgam of words but I tried picturing myself on the other side of things: me in a better situation.

. . .

I grew even crankier thinking I'd only slept through the rest of the afternoon and woke up around the time I had to cook for dinner. I considered writing it off tonight as I had no appetite, but Soohyun asked if I had already eaten and I felt bad about lying. I ordered in a meal instead, waiting in the living room, flipping through shows on Netflix, my feet propped up on the center table. Nothing interested me enough. I wasn't this insatiably lazy, which was frustrating. Even a shower sounded gruesome today.

The food arrived and I instantly felt full after a few bites. I kept the leftovers in the fridge and went back to face the computer. The mouse clicks I made filled the silence, the monitor sputtering gently, and the screen the only most alive thing in the room. I checked my emails. No response. Leaning back until my shoulders landed against the seat, the frustration started to gradually creep in. I breathed in the suffocating evening air, hoping I could be at home with myself, with everything. I was almost adrift, but with my feet on fire. The warmth was absolutely unwelcome.

. . .

"Soo—"

"Hey, sorry—"