Questioning//BILLIE EILISH

6

"I feel like I'm holding something really special, Billie."

"You are."

I stare down at the page before me, nervous to start reading. I hear Billie next to me, shuffling through her bag, taking out papers and opening her laptop.

"What do you think so far?" she asks, seemingly nervous.

I chuckle awkwardly, "I haven't started, sorry."

Billie sits up to look at me, meeting my eyes, "Don't be nervous," she says, placing a hand on my knee, "Just try to keep an open mind."

I nod reassuringly and look back down to the page before me, reading the careful words. They describe a girl named Maddie who was raised in the church. She went to chapel every Sunday and participated in bible camps.

Maddie dated many guys throughout her teenage years, never seeming to find the right one. This chapter talks about her realization of her sexuality. It goes into depth of her first time with a man and through the middle you actually read her thoughts as they go through her brain.

Things like, 'I must like him', and 'I just wanna be friends', sound familiar, but I don't dwell on it. Further into the chapter is a conversation she had with the girl she liked, Peyton.

Peyton is a rule breaker and never had much going on at home, usually left to her own devices to do whatever she wanted. Maddie gained courage to confess and Peyton showed her immense support. The chapter ends with a light sex scene, full of only romantic touch and testing boundaries.

When I finish, I sigh, feeling absolute relief for Maddie and a great deal of comfort in the fashion at which they made love.

"Hey I totally forgot to mention, you can skip the sex parts of they make you uncomfortable," Billie assures after she finished setting up for us.

"I already read it," I say peacefully, gentle thoughts of the end of the chapter looming in my brain.

Billie clicks her tongue, "I'm sorry if you felt pressured or anything I wouldn't wanna make you feel uncomfortable."

I keep staring down at the page, not wanting to look at Billie and still in a trance from the words I just read, "It's okay, Billie. It was..  nice?"

I look up and see Billie smiling, "It is nice, isn't it."

I nod, "Okay, so the project. You write down some bullets about your experience and I'll lay out the outline."

We get started on the project, and about 30 minutes in I finish outlining what we will write and where.

"Hey, have you finished your list?" I ask Billie.

Billie nods, tapping her pen as she looks down at the page, "Yeah I think so. I can't think of anything else at the moment."

"Can I read it?"

"Sure." Billie hands me the paper and I hold it in both hands as I read:

Shit I struggled with coming out:

- what would Finn think? (He was cool about it)

- Would people perceive me differently?

- I was disgusted with my attraction to women for a while

- am I pushing it in peoples faces if I come out?

- will people treat me differently?

- if I don't come out how will I get a girlfriend?

- how will I get a girlfriend either way?

- am I bi?

- am I pan?

- should I even label myself?

- am I attracted to men at all? Or do I only like the validation?

- I think I'm a lesbian but that word is scary. (less scary now)

- will other people be disgusted by me?

I frown as I look at the page, feeling sympathy for Billie, "Disgusted?"

Billie looks up, her cheeks reddening slightly, "Well yes, some people don't like that others can like the same gender."

I furrow my brows, "I didn't even know they could," I cut myself off, wanting to clarify, "well I guess I knew men could be gay but I didn't think of it as men dating men I just thought of it as being feminine."

Billie tilts her head and I continue, "And girls, I guess I just never thought about it."

Billie chuckles, her cheeks stubbornly pink as we talk about this, "So, now that you know girls can be gay, what do you think?"

I look at her face, formed into an uneasy expression, "It's cool. Not for me, but cool."

Billie frowns a little before quickly recovering, "That's okay. It's not a choice to be queer, so it's not a choice to be straight either."

My body relaxes slightly as I hear Billie's words, it's not a choice to be straight. It's just who I am.

We work for a few more minutes on the project before Billie needs to go home. We pack up our things, chatting about the project and making our way to the front of the house.

"Thanks for having me," Billie says, standing in the doorway.

I smile brightly, "Of course! It was lovely."

I'm caught by surprise when Billie's arms wrap around me, her big sweatshirt swallowing me as we hug. We continue to hold each other for a few more seconds, neither of us ready to leave the warmth of the embrace.

"Your hearts beating so fast," Billie says with a chuckle, her face nestled in my hair.

A blush creeps up my cheeks at the embarrassing comment, but I keep quiet, unsure of what to say.

Soon, Billie's arms around me loosen and she pulls away to look at me, "Oh no, you're red. I didn't mean to embarrass you, it was just an observation. I guess I figured Miss Popular wouldn't get so nervous."

I let out a forced laugh, "Oh, well I'll admit that you're quite an intimidating person."

She scrunches her nose, "Pshhh, only when I want to be."

I smile at her cute face, feeling more at ease now, "Yeah like in the bathroom today, oh my goodness."

She laughs, raising an eyebrow, "Oh yeah? I can dial it up a little more if it's something you like."

A/n:

Yeah yeah, Dez is pretty clueless but she's based around my own thought process so it's obviously not unrealistic.

IM DEADASS I LITERALLY WROTE IN MY DIARY, "'reaction' = the thing that happens down there that I can't describe. I also think it's weird that that happens," when I was like 14 💀

N e ways I love reading my old diaries it's a hoot.