Questioning//BILLIE EILISH

7

She laughs, raising an eyebrow, "Oh yeah? I can dial it up a little more if it's something you like."

My face heats up instantly at the comment, "Like?" I ask, my voice wavering.

Billie smirks, "I'll leave you now. Wouldn't want that face to get any redder would we?"

My eyes widen and she chuckles lowly as she turns around, walking out of my house. I reach for the doorknob with my shaky hand and miss it before finally grasping it and shutting the door. My fingers keep slipping off of the lock, but I eventually succeed in twisting it and head up to my room.

I look into the mirror and see my crimson cheeks, touching one with my hand and feeling the heat radiating off of it.

She embarrassed me.

No one ever embarrasses me. Like sure, they try, but I don't care about anyone's opinion enough to actually give a shit. But I'm sitting here, blush fading, thoughts of Billie's words circling my mind, like a turd, in the wind.

I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself, and hear my phone ding, lighting up from it's spot in my bed. I walk over, picking it up to check the notification, and my heart drops.

"hey babygirl, send me the addy and i'll swing by your crib at the 7 o'clock on sat"

I panic and instinctively call Mia to ask her what to do.

She picks up after a few rings and greets me, "Hey, Dez, what's up? "

"Brad dmed me," I reply shortly, anxiety building up in my stomach.

"Text him back!" she says excitedly, causing me to move my phone away from my ear for a moment, "What did he say?"

I take a deep breath, "He told me to send him my address and he'd pick me up at 7 on Saturday."

"Just send your address and at the end say something like, 'Here you go, Baby, I'm excited'."

I scrunch my nose, "Why would I lie to him? Isn't that frowned upon in relationships?"

There is a moment of silence on the other end of the call before Mia speaks up again, "What about that is a lie? "

I'm not excited to see him.

My eyes widen at my thought and my stomach drops. I begin to feel nauseous with anxiety and decide to end our call as soon as possible.

"Oh, uh, I don't know. Never mind."

"Umm, okay then," Mia replies, "I'm gonna go now. Good luck with Brad!"

We say our goodbyes and I hang up, my heartbeat racing faster by the second. I take a few deep breaths to calm my racing thoughts and sit for a few moments to reflect.

I'm not excited to see Brad.

Okay.

Am I nervous to see Brad?

Yes.

Okay.

Why am I nervous to see Brad?

Because I don't want to have sex with him and his suggestive comments make me uncomfortable.

Holy fuck, okay.

Why don't I want to have sex with him?

His dick disgusts me.

My eyes widen again. His dick disgusts me. What the fuck does that mean then? I consider asking Mia how she feels about this but I think I already know the answer.

"Omg I saw what he did with his hands, you're totally getting that dick girl!" Mia exclaims.

I groan at the memory and turn to look at myself in the mirror. I begin to feel the corners of my mouth turn down slightly and I bite my lip to hold back my increasing emotions.

I don't allow myself to cry, not wanting to confirm the thoughts racing through my head with physical tears.

I hear the door unlock and my sister calls out to tell me she's home. I force down the rest of my brimming tears to talk back to her, and look back down at my phone, still open to Mia's contact.

I feel frozen in place and every thought going through my mind is too fast to process. The only thing I can make out is fear. Fear of what? Couldn't tell you. Just, fear.

I'm broken out of my thoughts when a message shows up on my screen.

"Don't play hard to get, Baby, I already know you're desperate for me."

I switch to my conversation with Brad and reluctantly type up a message using Mia's suggestion. It looks perfect. It's flirty and cute, and gets all the information across. It doesn't seem too needy or too dry.

I sit on my bed, staring at my phone and reading Brad's messages over and over, then reading mine.

Just send it, Dez. Move your fucking thumb and press the button. Do it.

I remain still.

UUGHH, you were supposed to do it. Come onnn. Ready? 3...2...1...

Nothing.

I outwardly groan.

There's no way I'm sending that.

I close my phone and search for any distraction I can find. Any possible distraction from my thoughts.

I buzz around my room adjusting all of the decorations and opening every drawer. I open one and find my old Barbie from when I was young. I never had a Ken doll because I thought he was ugly, so I always just made the girls marry each other.

I put her back without another thought and hear my parents coming in the house.

"We're home! And we brought food," my mom calls from downstairs.

I smile excitedly and rush to the kitchen before my siblings eat it all. We all sit around the table as a family, something my parents have required every night since we were little, and discuss our days.

"How was your day, Dez?" my dad asks.

"Oh it was good, had someone over to work on a book report earlier."

My mom hums, "What book?"

I feel my heart begin to race at the mention of the book, "I think it's called Questioning?"

"What's it about?" she continues.

I quickly lie, unsure why I wouldn't tell the truth, "I'm not sure yet, it was Billie's choice."

"Billie? You mean that weird kid that always has her face buried in her notebook?" my brother chimes in.

I nod my head.

He grimaces, "I thought she did projects alone."

I sigh, ready to drop the subject, "Not anymore."

A/n:

I love you guys.