Questioning//BILLIE EILISH

22

When I finally pull away from the woman, I look into her eyes.

I really just did that.

I stare at the poster before I slowly step away and inspect it to make sure I didn't leave any kiss marks on her lips.

I wipe my hand over it a couple times to be sure, then I pull out my homework to get it done quickly so I can chill out the rest of the night.

Later on, my parents and siblings come home. I just stay in my bedroom, not in the mood to hear what my brother and sister are arguing about, and in the middle of a game of temple run on my phone.

"Fuck," I say quietly to myself, frustrated at how close I got to my high score without beating it.

"That's a bad word," my brother says, slowly opening my door.

I roll my eyes, "What do you want, Tyler?"

He begins to whisper, fully coming into my room, "I have a question."

My heart sinks at his words, and I reply, "And what question is that?"

He walks up to me, his voice getting quieter, "Are you gay?"

My eyes widen, "Uhh, why does it matter?"

"Cuz," he trails off, "Billie's gay and suddenly you're hanging out with her.. I just don't want you to get in trouble with mom."

The edges of my mouth turn down slightly, "Oh, Tyler, I'm sure if I was gay, mom wouldn't be mad."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

My heart rate picks up as he keeps staring at me, "So, are you?"

"Yes. You can't tell anyone, Tyler. I want to tell people on my own terms."

His eyes widen, "Woah."

"What did I say, Tyler?"

"Don't tell."

"Good."

I expect him to leave but he keeps staring.

"What?"

"Nothing," he says, drawing out his word. He slowly backs up until he's through the doorway. He leaves the door open and walks away.

I scoff and get up to shut the door. I take a couple deep breaths to slow my heart rate after coming out to my brother, and attempt to distract myself from my fears with games on my phone.

Soon, it's time for dinner, and I try to eat peacefully, but continue to look up to find Tyler staring into my soul. I just look down and continue eating, but this boy will not relent.

I rush through my meal and head back upstairs, nervous for tomorrow. Tomorrow night is my date with Billie, and I keep overthinking everything. I'm not even sure what we're doing. I can only assume it's dinner and maybe something else.

I decide that controlling one thing will help me make peace with my lack of control on another, and start to plan out an outfit. I want to look classy, but also cute. And I don't want to look fancy, just nice.