Childish

23

I struggled to make it through the day without having meltdowns the next few days. Between trying to play with the other kids to having difficulty falling asleep after lunch. Usually, I had no problem laying down for a nap but my anxiety over Alex was making that pretty difficult.

Ms. Diane had to help me fall asleep before I could be left alone in my crib and I knew it was tiring her out. By Friday, she was getting irritated with me. When the other kids were crying and begging for attention, it was annoying dealing with me. I was supposed to be able to handle all the changes that got thrown at me and control my emotions as they came. It was frustrating trying to deal with me and everyone else.

After lunch, I was struggling to sleep and whined for Ms. Diane. At the same time, two other kids started crying. It felt like total chaos throughout the room and I couldn't imagine what Ms. Diane was thinking.

She handed me my bear over the top of the side of the crib, her eyes focused on the other children. "Lyla, I need you to try to go to sleep."

I rubbed my eyes with my hands balled into fists. "I can't."

"Well I need you to try. I can't stay with you today."

"But-"

She sighed. "Lyla, that's enough. Lay down and go to sleep."

I watched as she walked away from my crib. I hated that I was making her so mad. I didn't want her to hate me.

I laid down and pulled the blanket up to cover my chest. I rolled onto my side and hugged my bear tight against my chest.

I didn't want to get upset over a dumb rejection. It was stupid to think that Ms. Diane was mad at me because of something I did when I was just doing what any normal baby would do. But that didn't mean she wasn't allowed to be upset.

Yet it was also hard for me to hold back my tears when I felt like I couldn't turn to someone who made me feel better. It reminded me of when we first moved to Alpine and I wanted to be open and honest with my mom. She didn't understand what I was feeling and she only pushed me away.

I hated how complicated being in Alpine made everything.

---

Alex walked in with a sippy cup in his hand and held it out to me over the top of the back of the couch. "What're you watching?"

"A movie."

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, what movie?"

"Celeste."

"You're watching a princess movie? That doesn't seem like you at all."

I shrugged. "It's one of the better princess movies."

He crossed his arms over the back of the couch and rested his chin on his arms. "Want some company?"

I looked up at him. "You want to watch a movie with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"It's a lame, kid's movie."

"Believe it or not, I watched movies like this one for eighteen years. Besides, I like hanging out with you."

"Now, I really don't believe you."

He shook his head at me as he stood and walked around to my side of the couch. He sat down beside me and propped his feet up on the coffee table. After several minutes of the movie went by, Alex turned to me. "Did something happen at school today?"

I pulled my sippy cup away from my mouth. "Why are you asking?"

"You didn't seem like yourself when I picked you up today and you've been quiet all evening which definitely isn't like you."

"I can be quiet sometimes."

He met my gaze, giving me a look that I knew all too well. "Lyla, be honest with me."

I sighed. "I don't know. I feel like I'm getting on everyone's nerves."

"Is this a school problem or a me and you problem?"

I stared down at my cup. "School."

He lowered his head so I was forced to meet his gaze. "We can't fix it if you don't talk to me."

"I... It's been really hard adjusting to everything. I'm always worried that something's going to happen again. I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need to worry but I can't help it. I don't know how to... turn it off."

"You said this was a school problem but I'm not exactly seeing how it relates."

"Ms. Diane got mad at me today. I guess I've been bugging her too much this week and she couldn't handle it anymore."

"What did she say?"

I shrugged. "I didn't want to be by myself but she told me I had to be."

"That doesn't sound like much of a problem."

"She never tells me no. I haven't taken a nap on my own all week."

He pursed his lips. "I really don't think she was mad at you. You're not that bad."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "This is the first time I've been in trouble all week. I haven't been bad at all."

"I think it's just all in your head, Lyla. I didn't notice her acting off when I picked you up."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "It's not."

"Maybe she was just tired. I mean, it's Friday and she's the teacher of a bunch of babies. I don't know if I could handle that."

"I just don't want her to hate me."

"She doesn't hate you."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that. I've been around you longer than she has and if anyone had a reason to hate you, it'd be me. And I don't hate you."

I sighed and laid back against the pillow behind me. I hated to think that my problems were made up. I had every right to be afraid and scared. After what I went through, it should have been normal. Everyone brushed it off and I knew that wasn't going to fix things right away for me.

Alex stood and looked down at me. "I promised you that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. I have it in writing that no one can pick you up except for me. You're safe, Lyla. Trust me."