Sabır (Patience) - Kurulus Osman

Chapter 51

why do i look like that when i'm angry-

Happiness was a rare feeling nowadays and weddings a rarer occasion. After informing Osman about Balgay's location and leaving them- on Selcan's orders- to go through with their plan to infiltrate and strike a deal with Balgay, Ceyda joined Selcan and Bala to prepare the bride for her marriage with Osman Bey.

While they waited for Bala to wear her dress, Selcan led Ceyda to the cart brought from the Tribe, containing the dowry and other wedding necessities. Ceyda sat by the laid-out furs and goatskins until Selcan joined her and spoke after a moment of silence. "How are you feeling, Ceyda?" Selcan asked, a flash of worry in her smiling eyes.

Ceyda adjusted herself on the goatskin to both avoid an answer and buy her time to think of one. She was feeling fine, better than when she was wounded, but that answer would not suffice. Not toward her aunt. "Great, I'm excited to see Bala Hatun and Osman Bey smiling after so many hardships."

Selcan considered this, and nodded, her smile not leaving her face. Ceyda realized there was something her aunt wanted to ask about, talk about, something she did not know how to bring up. "You're right...we have passed so many troubles. Rarely have we found happiness. Marriage is not just an exciting occasion, Ceyda; it brings people together. Makes them put aside their differences, put aside their past, and embrace each other, accept each other..."

Her aunt trailed off about the messages of marriage, and Ceyda stared at a worm in the dirt, not knowing how to react or why her aunt was lecturing her and not those who were getting married.

"...And with marriage comes change-"

"Oh, speaking of change. I think Bala's done changing into her dress. Let's go." Ceyda smiled at her aunt who watched her with mute disappointment.

"Ceyda, do you remember anything from last night?"

The question was so sudden, so irrelevant, Ceyda blinked at her aunt and her mind had to go blank before she could think of what to say, or the events from last night. "Er...I was helping Boran with his wounds, and then I went to..." Ceyda focused on yesterday and how she woke up in the forest with the unpleasant company. But she could not remember. It was not that she was avoiding the question, or she had something to hide, and she wouldn't have answered even if she knew because her aunt's question was so off-topic, but when she tried, there really was nothing she remembered. "I don't know."

The worry in Selcan's expression grew. "Do you remember going to the hut...where Osman was? Anything?"

"No-" There was a memory. A faint, distant memory. One that she could not quite grasp in time before it faded. She was in the hut. With a bloody knife. There was a forest. And then it was gone. It was one of those memories that you try to remember but only forget them more when you do. She opened her mouth to speak when she saw Selcan's concerned expression, her anxiousness, and a hint of suspicion. If she told her, it would just arise her worry, her suspicion. If she did something terrible last night- that too to Osman Bey- and her aunt knew about it, it would diminish the trust between them. Selcan would think she was never on their side, that she was spying for Dundar Bey. Unless she already knew. And this was a setup to see if she would lie about it and confirm or add to her betrayal, or if she really didn't know. "What did I do?" Her voice was quiet, afraid, innocent. And whether it was the panic in her voice, or her widened, fearful eyes, Selcan bought it. The tension in the atmosphere immediately relaxed, and worry for Ceyda's health took over.

"It's alright. You didn't hurt anyone, don't worry about it. Come, Bala must be ready by now. Would you like to watch as I put henna on her palms?"

Ceyda calmed too and nodded slowly, a smile gracing her lips.

The suspicion was forgotten, replaced by the confirmation of Ceyda not knowing what she almost did last night. But Ceyda did know. The memory came back slowly. The whispers. The screaming. The forest. Goktug. There was no way she could thank him for being there now. And she couldn't take back her answer to Selcan, her lie. But she had saved the trust between them. There was a wedding soon, and she could not ruin it with everyone worrying over her. So, she would leave it today.